fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/0040755000175000017500000000000007772023321015125 5ustar tfheentfheenfortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/updatexuses.sh0100755000175000017500000000022207072353142020027 0ustar tfheentfheen#!/bin/sh rm excuses rm bofh-excuses rm bofh-excuses.dat wget -c -T 40 http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~ballard/bofh/excuses ./l2f.e strfile bofh-excusesfortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/src/0040755000175000017500000000000007222613127015713 5ustar tfheentfheenfortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/src/l2f.cc0100644000175000017500000000047007072353101016677 0ustar tfheentfheen/* ---->> IRQ <<---- */ /* quick hack to split the text */ #include void main() { int no=1; char buf[257]; FILE *r,*w; r=fopen("excuses","r"); w=fopen("bofh-excuses","w"); while ( fgets(buf,256,r) ) { fprintf(w,"BOFH excuse #%d:\n\n%s\%%\n",no++,buf); } fclose(r); fclose(w); }fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/src/strfile.h0100644000175000017500000000524607201242415017533 0ustar tfheentfheen/* $NetBSD: strfile.h,v 1.5 1999/12/30 01:26:44 simonb Exp $ */ /*- * Copyright (c) 1991, 1993 * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. * * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by * Ken Arnold. * * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions * are met: * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software * must display the following acknowledgement: * This product includes software developed by the University of * California, Berkeley and its contributors. * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software * without specific prior written permission. * * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF * SUCH DAMAGE. * * @(#)strfile.h 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93 */ #include #define STR_ENDSTRING(line,tbl) \ ((line)[0] == (tbl).str_delim && (line)[1] == '\n') typedef struct { /* information table */ #define VERSION 1 u_int32_t str_version; /* version number */ u_int32_t str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */ u_int32_t str_longlen; /* length of longest string */ u_int32_t str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */ #define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */ #define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */ #define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */ u_int32_t str_flags; /* bit field for flags */ unsigned char stuff[4]; /* long aligned space */ #define str_delim stuff[0] /* delimiting character */ } STRFILE; fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/src/strfile.c0100644000175000017500000002712207201242377017532 0ustar tfheentfheen/* $NetBSD: strfile.c,v 1.20 2000/07/31 11:32:33 simonb Exp $ */ /*- * Copyright (c) 1989, 1993 * The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. * * This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by * Ken Arnold. * * Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without * modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions * are met: * 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. * 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright * notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the * documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. * 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software * must display the following acknowledgement: * This product includes software developed by the University of * California, Berkeley and its contributors. * 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors * may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software * without specific prior written permission. * * THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND * ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE * IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE * ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE * FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL * DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS * OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) * HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT * LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY * OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF * SUCH DAMAGE. */ #ifdef __NetBSD__ #include #ifndef lint __COPYRIGHT("@(#) Copyright (c) 1989, 1993\n\ The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved.\n"); #endif /* not lint */ #ifndef lint #if 0 static char sccsid[] = "@(#)strfile.c 8.1 (Berkeley) 5/31/93"; #else __RCSID("$NetBSD: strfile.c,v 1.20 2000/07/31 11:32:33 simonb Exp $"); #endif #endif /* not lint */ #endif /* __NetBSD__ */ # include # include # include # include # include # include # include # include # ifndef u_int32_t # define u_int32_t unsigned int # endif # include "strfile.h" # ifndef MAXPATHLEN # define MAXPATHLEN 1024 # endif /* MAXPATHLEN */ u_int32_t h2nl(u_int32_t h) { unsigned char c[4]; u_int32_t rv; c[0] = (h >> 24) & 0xff; c[1] = (h >> 16) & 0xff; c[2] = (h >> 8) & 0xff; c[3] = (h >> 0) & 0xff; memcpy(&rv, c, sizeof rv); return (rv); } /* * This program takes a file composed of strings seperated by * lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default * character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table * describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek * pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terminated * by a null byte. Usage: * * % strfile [-iorsx] [ -cC ] sourcefile [ datafile ] * * c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C' * s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of * the run. * o - order the strings in alphabetic order * i - if ordering, ignore case * r - randomize the order of the strings * x - set rotated bit * * Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978 -- * * Added ordering options. */ # define TRUE 1 # define FALSE 0 # define STORING_PTRS (Oflag || Rflag) # define CHUNKSIZE 512 # define ALLOC(ptr,sz) do { \ if (ptr == NULL) \ ptr = malloc(CHUNKSIZE * sizeof *ptr); \ else if (((sz) + 1) % CHUNKSIZE == 0) \ ptr = realloc(ptr, ((sz) + CHUNKSIZE) * sizeof *ptr); \ if (ptr == NULL) \ die("out of space"); \ } while (0) typedef struct { char first; off_t pos; } STR; char *Infile = NULL, /* input file name */ Outfile[MAXPATHLEN] = "", /* output file name */ Delimch = '%'; /* delimiting character */ int Sflag = FALSE; /* silent run flag */ int Oflag = FALSE; /* ordering flag */ int Iflag = FALSE; /* ignore case flag */ int Rflag = FALSE; /* randomize order flag */ int Xflag = FALSE; /* set rotated bit */ long Num_pts = 0; /* number of pointers/strings */ off_t *Seekpts; FILE *Sort_1, *Sort_2; /* pointers for sorting */ STRFILE Tbl; /* statistics table */ STR *Firstch; /* first chars of each string */ #ifdef __GNUC__ #define NORETURN __attribute__((__noreturn__)) #else #define NORETURN #endif void add_offset(FILE *, off_t); int cmp_str(const void *, const void *); void die(const char *) NORETURN; void dieperror(const char *, char *) NORETURN; void do_order(void); void fwrite_be_offt(off_t, FILE *); void getargs(int, char *[]); int main(int, char *[]); void randomize(void); void usage(void) NORETURN; /* * main: * Drive the sucker. There are two main modes -- either we store * the seek pointers, if the table is to be sorted or randomized, * or we write the pointer directly to the file, if we are to stay * in file order. If the former, we allocate and re-allocate in * CHUNKSIZE blocks; if the latter, we just write each pointer, * and then seek back to the beginning to write in the table. */ int main(ac, av) int ac; char *av[]; { char *sp, dc; FILE *inf, *outf; off_t last_off, length, pos, *p; int first, cnt; char *nsp; STR *fp; static char string[257]; /* sanity test */ if (sizeof(u_int32_t) != 4) die("sizeof(unsigned int) != 4"); getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */ dc = Delimch; if ((inf = fopen(Infile, "r")) == NULL) dieperror("open `%s'", Infile); if ((outf = fopen(Outfile, "w")) == NULL) dieperror("open `%s'", Outfile); if (!STORING_PTRS) (void) fseek(outf, sizeof Tbl, SEEK_SET); /* * Write the strings onto the file */ Tbl.str_longlen = 0; Tbl.str_shortlen = (unsigned int) 0x7fffffff; Tbl.str_delim = dc; Tbl.str_version = VERSION; first = Oflag; add_offset(outf, ftell(inf)); last_off = 0; do { sp = fgets(string, 256, inf); if (sp == NULL || (sp[0] == dc && sp[1] == '\n')) { pos = ftell(inf); length = pos - last_off - (sp ? strlen(sp) : 0); last_off = pos; if (!length) continue; add_offset(outf, pos); if ((off_t)Tbl.str_longlen < length) Tbl.str_longlen = length; if ((off_t)Tbl.str_shortlen > length) Tbl.str_shortlen = length; first = Oflag; } else if (first) { for (nsp = sp; !isalnum(*nsp); nsp++) continue; ALLOC(Firstch, Num_pts); fp = &Firstch[Num_pts - 1]; if (Iflag && isupper(*nsp)) fp->first = tolower(*nsp); else fp->first = *nsp; fp->pos = Seekpts[Num_pts - 1]; first = FALSE; } } while (sp != NULL); /* * write the tables in */ (void) fclose(inf); if (Oflag) do_order(); else if (Rflag) randomize(); if (Xflag) Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ROTATED; if (!Sflag) { printf("\"%s\" created\n", Outfile); if (Num_pts == 2) puts("There was 1 string"); else printf("There were %d strings\n", (int)(Num_pts - 1)); printf("Longest string: %lu byte%s\n", (unsigned long)Tbl.str_longlen, Tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "" : "s"); printf("Shortest string: %lu byte%s\n", (unsigned long)Tbl.str_shortlen, Tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "" : "s"); } (void) fseek(outf, (off_t) 0, SEEK_SET); Tbl.str_version = h2nl(Tbl.str_version); Tbl.str_numstr = h2nl(Num_pts - 1); Tbl.str_longlen = h2nl(Tbl.str_longlen); Tbl.str_shortlen = h2nl(Tbl.str_shortlen); Tbl.str_flags = h2nl(Tbl.str_flags); (void) fwrite((char *) &Tbl, sizeof Tbl, 1, outf); if (STORING_PTRS) { for (p = Seekpts, cnt = Num_pts; cnt--; ++p) fwrite_be_offt(*p, outf); } fflush(outf); if (ferror(outf)) dieperror("fwrite %s", Outfile); (void) fclose(outf); exit(0); } /* * This routine evaluates arguments from the command line */ void getargs(argc, argv) int argc; char **argv; { int ch; extern int optind; extern char *optarg; while ((ch = getopt(argc, argv, "c:iorsx")) != -1) switch(ch) { case 'c': /* new delimiting char */ Delimch = *optarg; if (!isascii(Delimch)) { printf("bad delimiting character: '\\%o\n'", Delimch); } break; case 'i': /* ignore case in ordering */ Iflag++; break; case 'o': /* order strings */ Oflag++; break; case 'r': /* randomize pointers */ Rflag++; break; case 's': /* silent */ Sflag++; break; case 'x': /* set the rotated bit */ Xflag++; break; case '?': default: usage(); } argv += optind; if (*argv) { Infile = *argv; if (*++argv) (void) strcpy(Outfile, *argv); } if (!Infile) { puts("No input file name"); usage(); } if (*Outfile == '\0') { (void) strcpy(Outfile, Infile); (void) strcat(Outfile, ".dat"); } } void usage() { (void) fprintf(stderr, "strfile [-iorsx] [-c char] sourcefile [datafile]\n"); exit(1); } void die(str) const char *str; { fprintf(stderr, "strfile: %s\n", str); exit(1); } void dieperror(fmt, file) const char *fmt; char *file; { fprintf(stderr, "strfile: "); fprintf(stderr, fmt, file); fprintf(stderr, ": "); perror(NULL); exit(1); } /* * add_offset: * Add an offset to the list, or write it out, as appropriate. */ void add_offset(fp, off) FILE *fp; off_t off; { if (!STORING_PTRS) { fwrite_be_offt(off, fp); } else { ALLOC(Seekpts, Num_pts + 1); Seekpts[Num_pts] = off; } Num_pts++; } /* * do_order: * Order the strings alphabetically (possibly ignoring case). */ void do_order() { int i; off_t *lp; STR *fp; Sort_1 = fopen(Infile, "r"); Sort_2 = fopen(Infile, "r"); qsort((char *) Firstch, (int) Tbl.str_numstr, sizeof *Firstch, cmp_str); i = Tbl.str_numstr; lp = Seekpts; fp = Firstch; while (i--) *lp++ = fp++->pos; (void) fclose(Sort_1); (void) fclose(Sort_2); Tbl.str_flags |= STR_ORDERED; } int cmp_str(vp1, vp2) const void *vp1, *vp2; { const STR *p1, *p2; int c1, c2; int n1, n2; p1 = (const STR *)vp1; p2 = (const STR *)vp2; # define SET_N(nf,ch) (nf = (ch == '\n')) # define IS_END(ch,nf) (ch == Delimch && nf) c1 = p1->first; c2 = p2->first; if (c1 != c2) return c1 - c2; (void) fseek(Sort_1, p1->pos, SEEK_SET); (void) fseek(Sort_2, p2->pos, SEEK_SET); n1 = FALSE; n2 = FALSE; while (!isalnum(c1 = getc(Sort_1)) && c1 != '\0') SET_N(n1, c1); while (!isalnum(c2 = getc(Sort_2)) && c2 != '\0') SET_N(n2, c2); while (!IS_END(c1, n1) && !IS_END(c2, n2)) { if (Iflag) { if (isupper(c1)) c1 = tolower(c1); if (isupper(c2)) c2 = tolower(c2); } if (c1 != c2) return c1 - c2; SET_N(n1, c1); SET_N(n2, c2); c1 = getc(Sort_1); c2 = getc(Sort_2); } if (IS_END(c1, n1)) c1 = 0; if (IS_END(c2, n2)) c2 = 0; return c1 - c2; } /* * randomize: * Randomize the order of the string table. We must be careful * not to randomize across delimiter boundaries. All * randomization is done within each block. */ void randomize() { int cnt, i; off_t tmp; off_t *sp; srandom((int)(time((time_t *) NULL) + getpid())); Tbl.str_flags |= STR_RANDOM; cnt = Tbl.str_numstr; /* * move things around randomly */ for (sp = Seekpts; cnt > 0; cnt--, sp++) { i = random() % cnt; tmp = sp[0]; sp[0] = sp[i]; sp[i] = tmp; } } /* * fwrite_be_offt: * Write out the off paramater as a 64 bit big endian number */ void fwrite_be_offt(off, f) off_t off; FILE *f; { int i; unsigned char c[8]; for (i = 7; i >= 0; i--) { c[i] = off & 0xff; off >>= 8; } fwrite(c, sizeof(c), 1, f); } fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/src/strfile.80100644000175000017500000001126107201242356017451 0ustar tfheentfheen.\" $NetBSD: strfile.8,v 1.7 1999/09/09 06:30:10 simonb Exp $ .\" .\" Copyright (c) 1989, 1991, 1993 .\" The Regents of the University of California. All rights reserved. .\" .\" This code is derived from software contributed to Berkeley by .\" Ken Arnold. .\" .\" Redistribution and use in source and binary forms, with or without .\" modification, are permitted provided that the following conditions .\" are met: .\" 1. Redistributions of source code must retain the above copyright .\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer. .\" 2. Redistributions in binary form must reproduce the above copyright .\" notice, this list of conditions and the following disclaimer in the .\" documentation and/or other materials provided with the distribution. .\" 3. All advertising materials mentioning features or use of this software .\" must display the following acknowledgement: .\" This product includes software developed by the University of .\" California, Berkeley and its contributors. .\" 4. Neither the name of the University nor the names of its contributors .\" may be used to endorse or promote products derived from this software .\" without specific prior written permission. .\" .\" THIS SOFTWARE IS PROVIDED BY THE REGENTS AND CONTRIBUTORS ``AS IS'' AND .\" ANY EXPRESS OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, THE .\" IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY AND FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE .\" ARE DISCLAIMED. IN NO EVENT SHALL THE REGENTS OR CONTRIBUTORS BE LIABLE .\" FOR ANY DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, EXEMPLARY, OR CONSEQUENTIAL .\" DAMAGES (INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, PROCUREMENT OF SUBSTITUTE GOODS .\" OR SERVICES; LOSS OF USE, DATA, OR PROFITS; OR BUSINESS INTERRUPTION) .\" HOWEVER CAUSED AND ON ANY THEORY OF LIABILITY, WHETHER IN CONTRACT, STRICT .\" LIABILITY, OR TORT (INCLUDING NEGLIGENCE OR OTHERWISE) ARISING IN ANY WAY .\" OUT OF THE USE OF THIS SOFTWARE, EVEN IF ADVISED OF THE POSSIBILITY OF .\" SUCH DAMAGE. .\" .\" @(#)strfile.8 8.1 (Berkeley) 6/9/93 .\" .Dd June 9, 1993 .Dt STRFILE 8 .Os .Sh NAME .Nm strfile , .Nm unstr .Nd "create a random access file for storing strings" .Sh SYNOPSIS .Nm strfile .Op Fl iorsx .Op Fl c Ar char .Ar source_file .Op Ar output_file .Nm unstr .Ar source_file .Sh DESCRIPTION .Nm Strfile reads a file containing groups of lines separated by a line containing a single percent .Ql \&% sign and creates a data file which contains a header structure and a table of file offsets for each group of lines. This allows random access of the strings. .Pp The output file, if not specified on the command line, is named .Ar source_file Ns Sy .out . .Pp The options are as follows: .Bl -tag -width "-c char" .It Fl c Ar char Change the delimiting character from the percent sign to .Ar char . .It Fl i Ignore case when ordering the strings. .It Fl o Order the strings in alphabetical order. The offset table will be sorted in the alphabetical order of the groups of lines referenced. Any initial non-alphanumeric characters are ignored. This option causes the .Dv STR_ORDERED bit in the header .Ar str_flags field to be set. .It Fl r Randomize access to the strings. Entries in the offset table will be randomly ordered. This option causes the .Dv STR_RANDOM bit in the header .Ar str_flags field to be set. .It Fl s Run silently; don't give a summary message when finished. .It Fl x Note that each alphabetic character in the groups of lines is rotated 13 positions in a simple caesar cypher. This option causes the .Dv STR_ROTATED bit in the header .Ar str_flags field to be set. .El .Pp The format of the header is: .Bd -literal #define VERSION 1 unsigned long str_version; /* version number */ unsigned long str_numstr; /* # of strings in the file */ unsigned long str_longlen; /* length of longest string */ unsigned long str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */ #define STR_RANDOM 0x1 /* randomized pointers */ #define STR_ORDERED 0x2 /* ordered pointers */ #define STR_ROTATED 0x4 /* rot-13'd text */ unsigned long str_flags; /* bit field for flags */ char str_delim; /* delimiting character */ .Ed .Pp All fields are written in big-endian byte order. .Pp The purpose of .Nm unstr is to undo the work of .Nm strfile . It prints out the strings contained in the file .Ar source_file in the order that they are listed in the header file .Ar source_file Ns Pa .dat to standard output. It is possible to create sorted versions of input files by using .Fl o when .Nm strfile is run and then using .Nm unstr to dump them out in the table order. .Sh SEE ALSO .Xr byteorder 3 , .Xr fortune 6 .Sh FILES .Bl -tag -width strfile.out -compact .It Pa strfile.out default output file. .El .Sh HISTORY The .Nm strfile utility first appeared in .Bx 4.4 . fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/l2f.e0100755000175000017500000027671407072353101015772 0ustar tfheentfheenELF4t{4 (x\x\x\xx\US[;z tb]]1tRX ^D\PPRVhXrP0U=u3||@С|8uhK ÍvUÍvUhh>UÐUEh̟hΟh֟h؟PhP u%PEPEhP븋PP1ÐUWV1vMAMЃ DŽ}E 8Ee^_ÐUWV}EMv7G E|w@t EE Ue^_ÐUWVE Uut9L:}1uFw)Ɖ}}:u19UuӍe^_UU1Ƀ:tvztztAPxuÉUWVS[zwuU:M MUU>t@~t+~t%VWGM Q,F 9EvEF 9EsEpxu‹U:UMUMe[^_ÐUWVS[vUB t)E>t,v6 E>uUrEEUBP5E1EEUB t7ƃ>tHUUUUURUREPW6>uvEPEPEPWUrUz EEBe[^_ÍvUWVS[u(tg>u VU9w9Vwvu߅tA1VU9s5v U :PU9UsMP UU9Uv y9}w1e[^_UWVS[fuUB)r u} 7u9Et#u:tz zt1E E‰1эL MBEE:uƋ}uE@u FU } GE PR‹u VR&u FB>?zuEPRUЍe[^_ÍvUWVS[Nt}UMAMƃ@ut?Gv} ?EMt?EMu L0\v.+$0q s 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A.J.GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) egcs-2.90.29 980515 (egcs-1.0.3 release)GCC: (GNU) egcs-2.90.29 980515 (egcs-1.0.3 release)GCC: (GNU) egcs-2.90.29 980515 (egcs-1.0.3 release)GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.3GCC: (GNU) egcs-2.90.29 980515 (egcs-1.0.3 release)GCC: (GNU) 2.7.2.301.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.0101.01.symtab.strtab.shstrtab.init.text.fini.rodata__libc_atexit.data.eh_frame.ctors.dtors.got.bss.comment.note1!'-̟<5tt\Cxx\ IgSj ZjajfjkjTtT(szzfortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/excuses.10100644000175000017500000004725007733576726016716 0ustar tfheentfheenclock speed solar flares electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris static from nylon underwear static from plastic slide rules global warming poor power conditioning static buildup doppler effect hardware stress fractures magnetic interference from money/credit cards dry joints on cable plug we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support temporary routing anomaly somebody was calculating pi on the server fat electrons in the lines excess surge protection floating point processor overflow divide-by-zero error POSIX compliance problem monitor resolution too high improperly oriented keyboard network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon) Decreasing electron flux first Saturday after first full moon in Winter radiosity depletion CPU radiator broken It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem positron router malfunction cellular telephone interference techtonic stress piezo-electric interference (l)user error working as designed dynamic software linking table corrupted heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS terrorist activities not enough memory, go get system upgrade interrupt configuration error spaghetti cable cause packet failure boss forgot system password bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged virus attack, luser responsible waste water tank overflowed onto computer Complete Transient Lockout bad ether in the cables Bogon emissions Change in Earth's rotational speed Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture Electricians made popcorn in the power supply Groundskeepers stole the root password high pressure system failure failed trials, system needs redesigned system has been recalled not approved by the FCC need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem not properly grounded, please bury computer CPU needs recalibration system needs to be rebooted bit bucket overflow descramble code needed from software company only available on a need to know basis knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable The file system is full of it Satan did it Daemons did it You're out of memory There isn't any problem Unoptimized hard drive Typo in the code Yes, yes, its called a design limitation Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault. That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine? Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working. Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER. Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable Windows 95 undocumented "feature" Runt packets Password is too complex to decrypt Boss' kid fucked up the machine Electromagnetic energy loss Budget cuts Mouse chewed through power cable Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!) Feature not yet implemented Internet outage Pentium FDIV bug Vendor no longer supports the product Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies The vendor put the bug there. SIMM crosstalk. IRQ dropout Collapsed Backbone Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment operators on strike due to broken coffee machine backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD UPS interrupted the server's power The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out. The keyboard isn't plugged in The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room The electricity substation in the car park blew up. The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out The salesman drove over the CPU board. The monitor is plugged into the serial port Root nameservers are out of sync electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing. your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes. the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa. the printer thinks its a router. the router thinks its a printer. evil hackers from Serbia. we just switched to FDDI. halon system went off and killed the operators. because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day. user to computer ratio too high. user to computer ration too low. we just switched to Sprint. it has Intel Inside Sticky bits on disk. Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor The ring needs another token new management telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused SCSI Chain overterminated It's not plugged in. because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch You put the disk in upside down. Daemons loose in system. User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI. BNC (brain not connected) UBNC (user brain not connected) LBNC (luser brain not connected) disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper. new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus. had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads. Too few computrons available. Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tannenbaum) Communications satellite used by the military for star wars. Party-bug in the Aloha protocol. Insert coin for new game Dew on the telephone lines. Arcserve crashed the server again. Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug. My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip. Big to little endian conversion error You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages) Dumb terminal Zombie processes haunting the computer Incorrect time synchronization Defunct processes Stubborn processes non-redundant fan failure monitor VLF leakage bugs in the RAID no "any" key on keyboard root rot Backbone Scoliosis /pub/lunch excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem? broadcast packets on wrong frequency popper unable to process jumbo kernel NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal Recursive traversal of loopback mount points Backbone adjustment OS swapped to disk vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives sticktion short leg on process table multicasts on broken packets ether leak Atilla the Hub endothermal recalibration filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch loop found in loop in redundant loopback system consumed all the paper for paging permission denied Reformatting Page. Wait... ..disk or the processor is on fire. SCSI's too wide. Proprietary Information. Just type 'mv * /dev/null'. runaway cat on system. Did you pay the new Support Fee? We only support a 1200 bps connection. We only support a 28000 bps connection. Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors. I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us. Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor. the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity. The monitor needs another box of pixels. RPC_PMAP_FAILURE kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded. Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer. Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines." Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us. Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us. Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft) We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off. Lightning strikes. Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade. Change your language to Finnish. Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends. High nuclear activity in your area. What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried! The MGs ran out of gas. The UPS doesn't have a battery backup. Recursivity. Call back if it happens again. Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch. The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know. I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book. The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?). Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1 It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up. A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN. Fatal error right in front of screen That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade. wrong polarity of neutron flow Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill. Ionization from the air-conditioning TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low. Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with them. The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet. Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube You did wha... oh _dear_.... CPU needs bearings repacked Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible! _Rosin_ core solder? But... Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric... The computer fleetly, mouse and all. Your cat tried to eat the mouse. The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile. It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month) Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....) Too much radiation coming from the soil. Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week. Program load too heavy for processor to lift. Processes running slowly due to weak power supply Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems We've run out of licenses Interference from lunar radiation Standing room only on the bus. You need to install an RTFM interface. That would be because the software doesn't work. That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered. Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too. We're upgrading /dev/null The Usenet news is out of date Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel. It's stuck in the Web. Your modem doesn't speak English. The mouse escaped. All of the packets are empty. The UPS is on strike. Neutrino overload on the nameserver Melting hard drives Someone has messed up the kernel pointers The kernel license has expired Netscape has crashed The cord jumped over and hit the power switch. It was OK before you touched it. Bit rot U.S. Postal Service Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad. The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated. The static electricity routing is acting up... Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem. The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server. High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it. Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening Electrons on a bender Telecommunications is upgrading. Telecommunications is downgrading. Telecommunications is downshifting. Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own... Interference between the keyboard and the chair. The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized. Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account. We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle. You must've hit the wrong any key. PCMCIA slave driver The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it. The hardware bus needs a new token. Too many interrupts Not enough interrupts The data on your hard drive is out of balance. Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system fractal radiation jamming the backbone routing problems on the neural net IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road emissions from GSM-phones CD-ROM server needs recalibration firewall needs cooling asynchronous inode failure transient bus protocol violation incompatible bit-registration operators your process is not ISO 9000 compliant You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus. The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic) Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on. Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS. Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet. You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus. Scheduled global CPU outage Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn off your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?) Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!! Your packets were eaten by the terminator Your processor does not develop enough heat. We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room. The POP server is out of Coke Fiber optics caused gas main leak Server depressed, needs Prozac quantum decoherence those damn raccoons! suboptimal routing experience A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged 50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice the butane lighter causes the pincushioning old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes manager in the cable duct We'll fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack). HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ? Network failure - call NBC Having to manually track the satellite. Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up. The rubber band broke We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose. Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server. paradigm shift...without a clutch PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) The cables are not the same length. Second-system effect. Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c Boredom in the Kernel. the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons! I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. struck by the Good Times virus YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache. Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools. Plasma conduit breach Out of cards on drive D: Sand fleas eating the Internet cables parallel processors running perpendicular today ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult. Failure to adjust for daylight savings time. Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins. Virus due to computers having unsafe sex. Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters. Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit. Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine It's the InterNIC's fault. Root name servers corrupted. Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers. Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine. Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite. We've picked COBOL as the language of choice. Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over. Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape. Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems. Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet. it's an ID-10-T error Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers The Internet is being scanned for viruses. Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight. Bad user karma. /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null Increased sunspot activity. We already sent around a notice about that. It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry. Interference from the Van Allen Belt. Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Redundant ACLs. Mail server hit by UniSpammer. T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server. Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet. We are a 100% Microsoft Shop. We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature. Sales staff sold a product we don't offer. Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees. Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers. Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer. Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much. Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital. Route flapping at the NAP. Computers under water due to SYN flooding. The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied. Electrical conduits in machine room are melting. Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway. Radial Telemetry Infiltration Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. tachyon emissions overloading the system Maintenance window broken We're out of slots on the server Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend. Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM. Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem Feature was not beta tested Domain controller not responding Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives! It's not RFC-822 compliant. operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014) stop bit received internet is needed to catch the etherbunny network down, IP packets delivered via UPS Firmware update in the coffee machine Temporal anomaly Mouse has out-of-cheese-error Borg implants are failing Borg nanites have infested the server error: one bad user found in front of screen Please state the nature of the technical emergency Internet shut down due to maintenance Daemon escaped from pentagram crop circles in the corn shell sticky bit has come loose Hot Java has gone cold Cache miss - please take better aim next time Hash table has woodworm Trojan horse ran out of hay Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted. overflow error in /dev/null Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it. Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell. According to Microsoft, it's by design vi needs to be upgraded to vii greenpeace free'd the mallocs Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden) astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker. Rhythmic variations in the voltage reaching the power supply. fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/build0100644000175000017500000000000007540247002016127 0ustar tfheentfheenfortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/bofh-excuses0100644000175000017500000007151307772023067017456 0ustar tfheentfheenBOFH excuse #1: clock speed % BOFH excuse #2: solar flares % BOFH excuse #3: electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris % BOFH excuse #4: static from nylon underwear % BOFH excuse #5: static from plastic slide rules % BOFH excuse #6: global warming % BOFH excuse #7: poor power conditioning % BOFH excuse #8: static buildup % BOFH excuse #9: doppler effect % BOFH excuse #10: hardware stress fractures % BOFH excuse #11: magnetic interference from money/credit cards % BOFH excuse #12: dry joints on cable plug % BOFH excuse #13: we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line % BOFH excuse #14: sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support % BOFH excuse #15: temporary routing anomaly % BOFH excuse #16: somebody was calculating pi on the server % BOFH excuse #17: fat electrons in the lines % BOFH excuse #18: excess surge protection % BOFH excuse #19: floating point processor overflow % BOFH excuse #20: divide-by-zero error % BOFH excuse #21: POSIX compliance problem % BOFH excuse #22: monitor resolution too high % BOFH excuse #23: improperly oriented keyboard % BOFH excuse #24: network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon) % BOFH excuse #25: Decreasing electron flux % BOFH excuse #26: first Saturday after first full moon in Winter % BOFH excuse #27: radiosity depletion % BOFH excuse #28: CPU radiator broken % BOFH excuse #29: It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem % BOFH excuse #30: positron router malfunction % BOFH excuse #31: cellular telephone interference % BOFH excuse #32: techtonic stress % BOFH excuse #33: piezo-electric interference % BOFH excuse #34: (l)user error % BOFH excuse #35: working as designed % BOFH excuse #36: dynamic software linking table corrupted % BOFH excuse #37: heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly % BOFH excuse #38: secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS % BOFH excuse #39: terrorist activities % BOFH excuse #40: not enough memory, go get system upgrade % BOFH excuse #41: interrupt configuration error % BOFH excuse #42: spaghetti cable cause packet failure % BOFH excuse #43: boss forgot system password % BOFH excuse #44: bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged % BOFH excuse #45: virus attack, luser responsible % BOFH excuse #46: waste water tank overflowed onto computer % BOFH excuse #47: Complete Transient Lockout % BOFH excuse #48: bad ether in the cables % BOFH excuse #49: Bogon emissions % BOFH excuse #50: Change in Earth's rotational speed % BOFH excuse #51: Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter % BOFH excuse #52: Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads % BOFH excuse #53: Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming % BOFH excuse #54: Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift % BOFH excuse #55: Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture % BOFH excuse #56: Electricians made popcorn in the power supply % BOFH excuse #57: Groundskeepers stole the root password % BOFH excuse #58: high pressure system failure % BOFH excuse #59: failed trials, system needs redesigned % BOFH excuse #60: system has been recalled % BOFH excuse #61: not approved by the FCC % BOFH excuse #62: need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem % BOFH excuse #63: not properly grounded, please bury computer % BOFH excuse #64: CPU needs recalibration % BOFH excuse #65: system needs to be rebooted % BOFH excuse #66: bit bucket overflow % BOFH excuse #67: descramble code needed from software company % BOFH excuse #68: only available on a need to know basis % BOFH excuse #69: knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked % BOFH excuse #70: nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable % BOFH excuse #71: The file system is full of it % BOFH excuse #72: Satan did it % BOFH excuse #73: Daemons did it % BOFH excuse #74: You're out of memory % BOFH excuse #75: There isn't any problem % BOFH excuse #76: Unoptimized hard drive % BOFH excuse #77: Typo in the code % BOFH excuse #78: Yes, yes, its called a design limitation % BOFH excuse #79: Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault. % BOFH excuse #80: That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine? % BOFH excuse #81: Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working. % BOFH excuse #82: Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. % BOFH excuse #83: Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER. % BOFH excuse #84: Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable % BOFH excuse #85: Windows 95 undocumented "feature" % BOFH excuse #86: Runt packets % BOFH excuse #87: Password is too complex to decrypt % BOFH excuse #88: Boss' kid fucked up the machine % BOFH excuse #89: Electromagnetic energy loss % BOFH excuse #90: Budget cuts % BOFH excuse #91: Mouse chewed through power cable % BOFH excuse #92: Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!) % BOFH excuse #93: Feature not yet implemented % BOFH excuse #94: Internet outage % BOFH excuse #95: Pentium FDIV bug % BOFH excuse #96: Vendor no longer supports the product % BOFH excuse #97: Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies % BOFH excuse #98: The vendor put the bug there. % BOFH excuse #99: SIMM crosstalk. % BOFH excuse #100: IRQ dropout % BOFH excuse #101: Collapsed Backbone % BOFH excuse #102: Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment % BOFH excuse #103: operators on strike due to broken coffee machine % BOFH excuse #104: backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD % BOFH excuse #105: UPS interrupted the server's power % BOFH excuse #106: The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out. % BOFH excuse #107: The keyboard isn't plugged in % BOFH excuse #108: The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room % BOFH excuse #109: The electricity substation in the car park blew up. % BOFH excuse #110: The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out % BOFH excuse #111: The salesman drove over the CPU board. % BOFH excuse #112: The monitor is plugged into the serial port % BOFH excuse #113: Root nameservers are out of sync % BOFH excuse #114: electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing. % BOFH excuse #115: your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes. % BOFH excuse #116: the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa. % BOFH excuse #117: the printer thinks its a router. % BOFH excuse #118: the router thinks its a printer. % BOFH excuse #119: evil hackers from Serbia. % BOFH excuse #120: we just switched to FDDI. % BOFH excuse #121: halon system went off and killed the operators. % BOFH excuse #122: because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day. % BOFH excuse #123: user to computer ratio too high. % BOFH excuse #124: user to computer ration too low. % BOFH excuse #125: we just switched to Sprint. % BOFH excuse #126: it has Intel Inside % BOFH excuse #127: Sticky bits on disk. % BOFH excuse #128: Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor % BOFH excuse #129: The ring needs another token % BOFH excuse #130: new management % BOFH excuse #131: telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused % BOFH excuse #132: SCSI Chain overterminated % BOFH excuse #133: It's not plugged in. % BOFH excuse #134: because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch % BOFH excuse #135: You put the disk in upside down. % BOFH excuse #136: Daemons loose in system. % BOFH excuse #137: User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI. % BOFH excuse #138: BNC (brain not connected) % BOFH excuse #139: UBNC (user brain not connected) % BOFH excuse #140: LBNC (luser brain not connected) % BOFH excuse #141: disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper. % BOFH excuse #142: new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus. % BOFH excuse #143: had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads. % BOFH excuse #144: Too few computrons available. % BOFH excuse #145: Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tannenbaum) % BOFH excuse #146: Communications satellite used by the military for star wars. % BOFH excuse #147: Party-bug in the Aloha protocol. % BOFH excuse #148: Insert coin for new game % BOFH excuse #149: Dew on the telephone lines. % BOFH excuse #150: Arcserve crashed the server again. % BOFH excuse #151: Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug. % BOFH excuse #152: My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip. % BOFH excuse #153: Big to little endian conversion error % BOFH excuse #154: You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages) % BOFH excuse #155: Dumb terminal % BOFH excuse #156: Zombie processes haunting the computer % BOFH excuse #157: Incorrect time synchronization % BOFH excuse #158: Defunct processes % BOFH excuse #159: Stubborn processes % BOFH excuse #160: non-redundant fan failure % BOFH excuse #161: monitor VLF leakage % BOFH excuse #162: bugs in the RAID % BOFH excuse #163: no "any" key on keyboard % BOFH excuse #164: root rot % BOFH excuse #165: Backbone Scoliosis % BOFH excuse #166: /pub/lunch % BOFH excuse #167: excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances % BOFH excuse #168: le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem? % BOFH excuse #169: broadcast packets on wrong frequency % BOFH excuse #170: popper unable to process jumbo kernel % BOFH excuse #171: NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full % BOFH excuse #172: pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal % BOFH excuse #173: Recursive traversal of loopback mount points % BOFH excuse #174: Backbone adjustment % BOFH excuse #175: OS swapped to disk % BOFH excuse #176: vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives % BOFH excuse #177: sticktion % BOFH excuse #178: short leg on process table % BOFH excuse #179: multicasts on broken packets % BOFH excuse #180: ether leak % BOFH excuse #181: Atilla the Hub % BOFH excuse #182: endothermal recalibration % BOFH excuse #183: filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch % BOFH excuse #184: loop found in loop in redundant loopback % BOFH excuse #185: system consumed all the paper for paging % BOFH excuse #186: permission denied % BOFH excuse #187: Reformatting Page. Wait... % BOFH excuse #188: ..disk or the processor is on fire. % BOFH excuse #189: SCSI's too wide. % BOFH excuse #190: Proprietary Information. % BOFH excuse #191: Just type 'mv * /dev/null'. % BOFH excuse #192: runaway cat on system. % BOFH excuse #193: Did you pay the new Support Fee? % BOFH excuse #194: We only support a 1200 bps connection. % BOFH excuse #195: We only support a 28000 bps connection. % BOFH excuse #196: Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors. % BOFH excuse #197: I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us. % BOFH excuse #198: Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor. % BOFH excuse #199: the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity. % BOFH excuse #200: The monitor needs another box of pixels. % BOFH excuse #201: RPC_PMAP_FAILURE % BOFH excuse #202: kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded. % BOFH excuse #203: Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer. % BOFH excuse #204: Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines." % BOFH excuse #205: Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors % BOFH excuse #206: Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker % BOFH excuse #207: We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us. % BOFH excuse #208: Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us. % BOFH excuse #209: Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft) % BOFH excuse #210: We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off. % BOFH excuse #211: Lightning strikes. % BOFH excuse #212: Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade. % BOFH excuse #213: Change your language to Finnish. % BOFH excuse #214: Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends. % BOFH excuse #215: High nuclear activity in your area. % BOFH excuse #216: What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried! % BOFH excuse #217: The MGs ran out of gas. % BOFH excuse #218: The UPS doesn't have a battery backup. % BOFH excuse #219: Recursivity. Call back if it happens again. % BOFH excuse #220: Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch. % BOFH excuse #221: The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know. % BOFH excuse #222: I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book. % BOFH excuse #223: The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?). % BOFH excuse #224: Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1 % BOFH excuse #225: It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up. % BOFH excuse #226: A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN. % BOFH excuse #227: Fatal error right in front of screen % BOFH excuse #228: That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade. % BOFH excuse #229: wrong polarity of neutron flow % BOFH excuse #230: Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal % BOFH excuse #231: We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill. % BOFH excuse #232: Ionization from the air-conditioning % BOFH excuse #233: TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low. % BOFH excuse #234: Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with them. % BOFH excuse #235: The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet. % BOFH excuse #236: Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces % BOFH excuse #237: Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube % BOFH excuse #238: You did wha... oh _dear_.... % BOFH excuse #239: CPU needs bearings repacked % BOFH excuse #240: Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible! % BOFH excuse #241: _Rosin_ core solder? But... % BOFH excuse #242: Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric... % BOFH excuse #243: The computer fleetly, mouse and all. % BOFH excuse #244: Your cat tried to eat the mouse. % BOFH excuse #245: The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile. % BOFH excuse #246: It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month) % BOFH excuse #247: Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....) % BOFH excuse #248: Too much radiation coming from the soil. % BOFH excuse #249: Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week. % BOFH excuse #250: Program load too heavy for processor to lift. % BOFH excuse #251: Processes running slowly due to weak power supply % BOFH excuse #252: Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems % BOFH excuse #253: We've run out of licenses % BOFH excuse #254: Interference from lunar radiation % BOFH excuse #255: Standing room only on the bus. % BOFH excuse #256: You need to install an RTFM interface. % BOFH excuse #257: That would be because the software doesn't work. % BOFH excuse #258: That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered. % BOFH excuse #259: Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too. % BOFH excuse #260: We're upgrading /dev/null % BOFH excuse #261: The Usenet news is out of date % BOFH excuse #262: Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel. % BOFH excuse #263: It's stuck in the Web. % BOFH excuse #264: Your modem doesn't speak English. % BOFH excuse #265: The mouse escaped. % BOFH excuse #266: All of the packets are empty. % BOFH excuse #267: The UPS is on strike. % BOFH excuse #268: Neutrino overload on the nameserver % BOFH excuse #269: Melting hard drives % BOFH excuse #270: Someone has messed up the kernel pointers % BOFH excuse #271: The kernel license has expired % BOFH excuse #272: Netscape has crashed % BOFH excuse #273: The cord jumped over and hit the power switch. % BOFH excuse #274: It was OK before you touched it. % BOFH excuse #275: Bit rot % BOFH excuse #276: U.S. Postal Service % BOFH excuse #277: Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad. % BOFH excuse #278: The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated. % BOFH excuse #279: The static electricity routing is acting up... % BOFH excuse #280: Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem. % BOFH excuse #281: The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server. % BOFH excuse #282: High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it. % BOFH excuse #283: Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening % BOFH excuse #284: Electrons on a bender % BOFH excuse #285: Telecommunications is upgrading. % BOFH excuse #286: Telecommunications is downgrading. % BOFH excuse #287: Telecommunications is downshifting. % BOFH excuse #288: Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own... % BOFH excuse #289: Interference between the keyboard and the chair. % BOFH excuse #290: The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized. % BOFH excuse #291: Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account. % BOFH excuse #292: We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle. % BOFH excuse #293: You must've hit the wrong any key. % BOFH excuse #294: PCMCIA slave driver % BOFH excuse #295: The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it. % BOFH excuse #296: The hardware bus needs a new token. % BOFH excuse #297: Too many interrupts % BOFH excuse #298: Not enough interrupts % BOFH excuse #299: The data on your hard drive is out of balance. % BOFH excuse #300: Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters % BOFH excuse #301: appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem % BOFH excuse #302: microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system % BOFH excuse #303: fractal radiation jamming the backbone % BOFH excuse #304: routing problems on the neural net % BOFH excuse #305: IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply % BOFH excuse #306: CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road % BOFH excuse #307: emissions from GSM-phones % BOFH excuse #308: CD-ROM server needs recalibration % BOFH excuse #309: firewall needs cooling % BOFH excuse #310: asynchronous inode failure % BOFH excuse #311: transient bus protocol violation % BOFH excuse #312: incompatible bit-registration operators % BOFH excuse #313: your process is not ISO 9000 compliant % BOFH excuse #314: You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus. % BOFH excuse #315: The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing % BOFH excuse #316: Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic) % BOFH excuse #317: Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on. % BOFH excuse #318: Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS. % BOFH excuse #319: Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet. % BOFH excuse #320: You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus. % BOFH excuse #321: Scheduled global CPU outage % BOFH excuse #322: Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?) % BOFH excuse #323: Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!! % BOFH excuse #324: Your packets were eaten by the terminator % BOFH excuse #325: Your processor does not develop enough heat. % BOFH excuse #326: We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room. % BOFH excuse #327: The POP server is out of Coke % BOFH excuse #328: Fiber optics caused gas main leak % BOFH excuse #329: Server depressed, needs Prozac % BOFH excuse #330: quantum decoherence % BOFH excuse #331: those damn raccoons! % BOFH excuse #332: suboptimal routing experience % BOFH excuse #333: A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged % BOFH excuse #334: 50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files % BOFH excuse #335: the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference % BOFH excuse #336: the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice % BOFH excuse #337: the butane lighter causes the pincushioning % BOFH excuse #338: old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes % BOFH excuse #339: manager in the cable duct % BOFH excuse #340: Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack). % BOFH excuse #341: HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here % BOFH excuse #342: HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power % BOFH excuse #343: The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ? % BOFH excuse #344: Network failure - call NBC % BOFH excuse #345: Having to manually track the satellite. % BOFH excuse #346: Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up. % BOFH excuse #347: The rubber band broke % BOFH excuse #348: We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose. % BOFH excuse #349: Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server. % BOFH excuse #350: paradigm shift...without a clutch % BOFH excuse #351: PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) % BOFH excuse #352: The cables are not the same length. % BOFH excuse #353: Second-system effect. % BOFH excuse #354: Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c % BOFH excuse #355: Boredom in the Kernel. % BOFH excuse #356: the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons! % BOFH excuse #357: I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. % BOFH excuse #358: struck by the Good Times virus % BOFH excuse #359: YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error % BOFH excuse #360: Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache. % BOFH excuse #361: Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools. % BOFH excuse #362: Plasma conduit breach % BOFH excuse #363: Out of cards on drive D: % BOFH excuse #364: Sand fleas eating the Internet cables % BOFH excuse #365: parallel processors running perpendicular today % BOFH excuse #366: ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect % BOFH excuse #367: Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult. % BOFH excuse #368: Failure to adjust for daylight savings time. % BOFH excuse #369: Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins. % BOFH excuse #370: Virus due to computers having unsafe sex. % BOFH excuse #371: Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters. % BOFH excuse #372: Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit. % BOFH excuse #373: Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine % BOFH excuse #374: It's the InterNIC's fault. % BOFH excuse #375: Root name servers corrupted. % BOFH excuse #376: Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers. % BOFH excuse #377: Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine. % BOFH excuse #378: Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite. % BOFH excuse #379: We've picked COBOL as the language of choice. % BOFH excuse #380: Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over. % BOFH excuse #381: Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape. % BOFH excuse #382: Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems. % BOFH excuse #383: Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet. % BOFH excuse #384: it's an ID-10-T error % BOFH excuse #385: Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers % BOFH excuse #386: The Internet is being scanned for viruses. % BOFH excuse #387: Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight. % BOFH excuse #388: Bad user karma. % BOFH excuse #389: /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null % BOFH excuse #390: Increased sunspot activity. % BOFH excuse #391: We already sent around a notice about that. % BOFH excuse #392: It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry. % BOFH excuse #393: Interference from the Van Allen Belt. % BOFH excuse #394: Jupiter is aligned with Mars. % BOFH excuse #395: Redundant ACLs. % BOFH excuse #396: Mail server hit by UniSpammer. % BOFH excuse #397: T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server. % BOFH excuse #398: Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet. % BOFH excuse #399: We are a 100% Microsoft Shop. % BOFH excuse #400: We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature. % BOFH excuse #401: Sales staff sold a product we don't offer. % BOFH excuse #402: Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees. % BOFH excuse #403: Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers. % BOFH excuse #404: Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer. % BOFH excuse #405: Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much. % BOFH excuse #406: Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital. % BOFH excuse #407: Route flapping at the NAP. % BOFH excuse #408: Computers under water due to SYN flooding. % BOFH excuse #409: The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied. % BOFH excuse #410: Electrical conduits in machine room are melting. % BOFH excuse #411: Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway. % BOFH excuse #412: Radial Telemetry Infiltration % BOFH excuse #413: Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. % BOFH excuse #414: tachyon emissions overloading the system % BOFH excuse #415: Maintenance window broken % BOFH excuse #416: We're out of slots on the server % BOFH excuse #417: Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend. % BOFH excuse #418: Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM. % BOFH excuse #419: Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem % BOFH excuse #420: Feature was not beta tested % BOFH excuse #421: Domain controller not responding % BOFH excuse #422: Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives! % BOFH excuse #423: It's not RFC-822 compliant. % BOFH excuse #424: operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014) % BOFH excuse #425: stop bit received % BOFH excuse #426: internet is needed to catch the etherbunny % BOFH excuse #427: network down, IP packets delivered via UPS % BOFH excuse #428: Firmware update in the coffee machine % BOFH excuse #429: Temporal anomaly % BOFH excuse #430: Mouse has out-of-cheese-error % BOFH excuse #431: Borg implants are failing % BOFH excuse #432: Borg nanites have infested the server % BOFH excuse #433: error: one bad user found in front of screen % BOFH excuse #434: Please state the nature of the technical emergency % BOFH excuse #435: Internet shut down due to maintenance % BOFH excuse #436: Daemon escaped from pentagram % BOFH excuse #437: crop circles in the corn shell % BOFH excuse #438: sticky bit has come loose % BOFH excuse #439: Hot Java has gone cold % BOFH excuse #440: Cache miss - please take better aim next time % BOFH excuse #441: Hash table has woodworm % BOFH excuse #442: Trojan horse ran out of hay % BOFH excuse #443: Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted. % BOFH excuse #444: overflow error in /dev/null % BOFH excuse #445: Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it. % BOFH excuse #446: Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell. % BOFH excuse #447: According to Microsoft, it's by design % BOFH excuse #448: vi needs to be upgraded to vii % BOFH excuse #449: greenpeace free'd the mallocs % BOFH excuse #450: Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden) % BOFH excuse #451: astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling % BOFH excuse #452: Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker. % BOFH excuse #453: Spider infestation in warm case parts % fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/excuses0100644000175000017500000004721607772022740016542 0ustar tfheentfheenclock speed solar flares electromagnetic radiation from satellite debris static from nylon underwear static from plastic slide rules global warming poor power conditioning static buildup doppler effect hardware stress fractures magnetic interference from money/credit cards dry joints on cable plug we're waiting for [the phone company] to fix that line sounds like a Windows problem, try calling Microsoft support temporary routing anomaly somebody was calculating pi on the server fat electrons in the lines excess surge protection floating point processor overflow divide-by-zero error POSIX compliance problem monitor resolution too high improperly oriented keyboard network packets travelling uphill (use a carrier pigeon) Decreasing electron flux first Saturday after first full moon in Winter radiosity depletion CPU radiator broken It works the way the Wang did, what's the problem positron router malfunction cellular telephone interference techtonic stress piezo-electric interference (l)user error working as designed dynamic software linking table corrupted heavy gravity fluctuation, move computer to floor rapidly secretary plugged hairdryer into UPS terrorist activities not enough memory, go get system upgrade interrupt configuration error spaghetti cable cause packet failure boss forgot system password bank holiday - system operating credits not recharged virus attack, luser responsible waste water tank overflowed onto computer Complete Transient Lockout bad ether in the cables Bogon emissions Change in Earth's rotational speed Cosmic ray particles crashed through the hard disk platter Smell from unhygienic janitorial staff wrecked the tape heads Little hamster in running wheel had coronary; waiting for replacement to be Fedexed from Wyoming Evil dogs hypnotised the night shift Plumber mistook routing panel for decorative wall fixture Electricians made popcorn in the power supply Groundskeepers stole the root password high pressure system failure failed trials, system needs redesigned system has been recalled not approved by the FCC need to wrap system in aluminum foil to fix problem not properly grounded, please bury computer CPU needs recalibration system needs to be rebooted bit bucket overflow descramble code needed from software company only available on a need to know basis knot in cables caused data stream to become twisted and kinked nesting roaches shorted out the ether cable The file system is full of it Satan did it Daemons did it You're out of memory There isn't any problem Unoptimized hard drive Typo in the code Yes, yes, its called a design limitation Look, buddy: Windows 3.1 IS A General Protection Fault. That's a great computer you have there; have you considered how it would work as a BSD machine? Please excuse me, I have to circuit an AC line through my head to get this database working. Yeah, yo mama dresses you funny and you need a mouse to delete files. Support staff hung over, send aspirin and come back LATER. Someone is standing on the ethernet cable, causing a kink in the cable Windows 95 undocumented "feature" Runt packets Password is too complex to decrypt Boss' kid fucked up the machine Electromagnetic energy loss Budget cuts Mouse chewed through power cable Stale file handle (next time use Tupperware(tm)!) Feature not yet implemented Internet outage Pentium FDIV bug Vendor no longer supports the product Small animal kamikaze attack on power supplies The vendor put the bug there. SIMM crosstalk. IRQ dropout Collapsed Backbone Power company testing new voltage spike (creation) equipment operators on strike due to broken coffee machine backup tape overwritten with copy of system manager's favourite CD UPS interrupted the server's power The electrician didn't know what the yellow cable was so he yanked the ethernet out. The keyboard isn't plugged in The air conditioning water supply pipe ruptured over the machine room The electricity substation in the car park blew up. The rolling stones concert down the road caused a brown out The salesman drove over the CPU board. The monitor is plugged into the serial port Root nameservers are out of sync electro-magnetic pulses from French above ground nuke testing. your keyboard's space bar is generating spurious keycodes. the real ttys became pseudo ttys and vice-versa. the printer thinks its a router. the router thinks its a printer. evil hackers from Serbia. we just switched to FDDI. halon system went off and killed the operators. because Bill Gates is a Jehovah's witness and so nothing can work on St. Swithin's day. user to computer ratio too high. user to computer ration too low. we just switched to Sprint. it has Intel Inside Sticky bits on disk. Power Company having EMP problems with their reactor The ring needs another token new management telnet: Unable to connect to remote host: Connection refused SCSI Chain overterminated It's not plugged in. because of network lag due to too many people playing deathmatch You put the disk in upside down. Daemons loose in system. User was distributing pornography on server; system seized by FBI. BNC (brain not connected) UBNC (user brain not connected) LBNC (luser brain not connected) disks spinning backwards - toggle the hemisphere jumper. new guy cross-connected phone lines with ac power bus. had to use hammer to free stuck disk drive heads. Too few computrons available. Flat tire on station wagon with tapes. ("Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway" Andrew S. Tannenbaum) Communications satellite used by the military for star wars. Party-bug in the Aloha protocol. Insert coin for new game Dew on the telephone lines. Arcserve crashed the server again. Some one needed the powerstrip, so they pulled the switch plug. My pony-tail hit the on/off switch on the power strip. Big to little endian conversion error You can tune a file system, but you can't tune a fish (from most tunefs man pages) Dumb terminal Zombie processes haunting the computer Incorrect time synchronization Defunct processes Stubborn processes non-redundant fan failure monitor VLF leakage bugs in the RAID no "any" key on keyboard root rot Backbone Scoliosis /pub/lunch excessive collisions & not enough packet ambulances le0: no carrier: transceiver cable problem? broadcast packets on wrong frequency popper unable to process jumbo kernel NOTICE: alloc: /dev/null: filesystem full pseudo-user on a pseudo-terminal Recursive traversal of loopback mount points Backbone adjustment OS swapped to disk vapors from evaporating sticky-note adhesives sticktion short leg on process table multicasts on broken packets ether leak Atilla the Hub endothermal recalibration filesystem not big enough for Jumbo Kernel Patch loop found in loop in redundant loopback system consumed all the paper for paging permission denied Reformatting Page. Wait... ..disk or the processor is on fire. SCSI's too wide. Proprietary Information. Just type 'mv * /dev/null'. runaway cat on system. Did you pay the new Support Fee? We only support a 1200 bps connection. We only support a 28000 bps connection. Me no internet, only janitor, me just wax floors. I'm sorry a pentium won't do, you need an SGI to connect with us. Post-it Note Sludge leaked into the monitor. the curls in your keyboard cord are losing electricity. The monitor needs another box of pixels. RPC_PMAP_FAILURE kernel panic: write-only-memory (/dev/wom0) capacity exceeded. Write-only-memory subsystem too slow for this machine. Contact your local dealer. Just pick up the phone and give modem connect sounds. "Well you said we should get more lines so we don't have voice lines." Quantum dynamics are affecting the transistors Police are examining all internet packets in the search for a narco-net-trafficker We are currently trying a new concept of using a live mouse. Unfortunately, one has yet to survive being hooked up to the computer.....please bear with us. Your mail is being routed through Germany ... and they're censoring us. Only people with names beginning with 'A' are getting mail this week (a la Microsoft) We didn't pay the Internet bill and it's been cut off. Lightning strikes. Of course it doesn't work. We've performed a software upgrade. Change your language to Finnish. Fluorescent lights are generating negative ions. If turning them off doesn't work, take them out and put tin foil on the ends. High nuclear activity in your area. What office are you in? Oh, that one. Did you know that your building was built over the universities first nuclear research site? And wow, aren't you the lucky one, your office is right over where the core is buried! The MGs ran out of gas. The UPS doesn't have a battery backup. Recursivity. Call back if it happens again. Someone thought The Big Red Button was a light switch. The mainframe needs to rest. It's getting old, you know. I'm not sure. Try calling the Internet's head office -- it's in the book. The lines are all busy (busied out, that is -- why let them in to begin with?). Jan 9 16:41:27 huber su: 'su root' succeeded for .... on /dev/pts/1 It's those computer people in X {city of world}. They keep stuffing things up. A star wars satellite accidently blew up the WAN. Fatal error right in front of screen That function is not currently supported, but Bill Gates assures us it will be featured in the next upgrade. wrong polarity of neutron flow Lusers learning curve appears to be fractal We had to turn off that service to comply with the CDA Bill. Ionization from the air-conditioning TCP/IP UDP alarm threshold is set too low. Someone is broadcasting pygmy packets and the router doesn't know how to deal with them. The new frame relay network hasn't bedded down the software loop transmitter yet. Fanout dropping voltage too much, try cutting some of those little traces Plate voltage too low on demodulator tube You did wha... oh _dear_.... CPU needs bearings repacked Too many little pins on CPU confusing it, bend back and forth until 10-20% are neatly removed. Do _not_ leave metal bits visible! _Rosin_ core solder? But... Software uses US measurements, but the OS is in metric... The computer fleetly, mouse and all. Your cat tried to eat the mouse. The Borg tried to assimilate your system. Resistance is futile. It must have been the lightning storm we had (yesterday) (last week) (last month) Due to Federal Budget problems we have been forced to cut back on the number of users able to access the system at one time. (namely none allowed....) Too much radiation coming from the soil. Unfortunately we have run out of bits/bytes/whatever. Don't worry, the next supply will be coming next week. Program load too heavy for processor to lift. Processes running slowly due to weak power supply Our ISP is having {switching,routing,SMDS,frame relay} problems We've run out of licenses Interference from lunar radiation Standing room only on the bus. You need to install an RTFM interface. That would be because the software doesn't work. That's easy to fix, but I can't be bothered. Someone's tie is caught in the printer, and if anything else gets printed, he'll be in it too. We're upgrading /dev/null The Usenet news is out of date Our POP server was kidnapped by a weasel. It's stuck in the Web. Your modem doesn't speak English. The mouse escaped. All of the packets are empty. The UPS is on strike. Neutrino overload on the nameserver Melting hard drives Someone has messed up the kernel pointers The kernel license has expired Netscape has crashed The cord jumped over and hit the power switch. It was OK before you touched it. Bit rot U.S. Postal Service Your Flux Capacitor has gone bad. The Dilithium Crystals need to be rotated. The static electricity routing is acting up... Traceroute says that there is a routing problem in the backbone. It's not our problem. The co-locator cannot verify the frame-relay gateway to the ISDN server. High altitude condensation from U.S.A.F prototype aircraft has contaminated the primary subnet mask. Turn off your computer for 9 days to avoid damaging it. Lawn mower blade in your fan need sharpening Electrons on a bender Telecommunications is upgrading. Telecommunications is downgrading. Telecommunications is downshifting. Hard drive sleeping. Let it wake up on it's own... Interference between the keyboard and the chair. The CPU has shifted, and become decentralized. Due to the CDA, we no longer have a root account. We ran out of dial tone and we're and waiting for the phone company to deliver another bottle. You must've hit the wrong any key. PCMCIA slave driver The Token fell out of the ring. Call us when you find it. The hardware bus needs a new token. Too many interrupts Not enough interrupts The data on your hard drive is out of balance. Digital Manipulator exceeding velocity parameters appears to be a Slow/Narrow SCSI-0 Interface problem microelectronic Riemannian curved-space fault in write-only file system fractal radiation jamming the backbone routing problems on the neural net IRQ-problems with the Un-Interruptible-Power-Supply CPU-angle has to be adjusted because of vibrations coming from the nearby road emissions from GSM-phones CD-ROM server needs recalibration firewall needs cooling asynchronous inode failure transient bus protocol violation incompatible bit-registration operators your process is not ISO 9000 compliant You need to upgrade your VESA local bus to a MasterCard local bus. The recent proliferation of Nuclear Testing Elves on strike. (Why do they call EMAG Elf Magic) Internet exceeded Luser level, please wait until a luser logs off before attempting to log back on. Your EMAIL is now being delivered by the USPS. Your computer hasn't been returning all the bits it gets from the Internet. You've been infected by the Telescoping Hubble virus. Scheduled global CPU outage Your Pentium has a heating problem - try cooling it with ice cold water.(Do not turn of your computer, you do not want to cool down the Pentium Chip while he isn't working, do you?) Your processor has processed too many instructions. Turn it off immediately, do not type any commands!! Your packets were eaten by the terminator Your processor does not develop enough heat. We need a licensed electrician to replace the light bulbs in the computer room. The POP server is out of Coke Fiber optics caused gas main leak Server depressed, needs Prozac quantum decoherence those damn raccoons! suboptimal routing experience A plumber is needed, the network drain is clogged 50% of the manual is in .pdf readme files the AA battery in the wallclock sends magnetic interference the xy axis in the trackball is coordinated with the summer solstice the butane lighter causes the pincushioning old inkjet cartridges emanate barium-based fumes manager in the cable duct Well fix that in the next (upgrade, update, patch release, service pack). HTTPD Error 666 : BOFH was here HTTPD Error 4004 : very old Intel cpu - insufficient processing power The ATM board has run out of 10 pound notes. We are having a whip round to refill it, care to contribute ? Network failure - call NBC Having to manually track the satellite. Your/our computer(s) had suffered a memory leak, and we are waiting for them to be topped up. The rubber band broke We're on Token Ring, and it looks like the token got loose. Stray Alpha Particles from memory packaging caused Hard Memory Error on Server. paradigm shift...without a clutch PEBKAC (Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair) The cables are not the same length. Second-system effect. Chewing gum on /dev/sd3c Boredom in the Kernel. the daemons! the daemons! the terrible daemons! I'd love to help you -- it's just that the Boss won't let me near the computer. struck by the Good Times virus YOU HAVE AN I/O ERROR -> Incompetent Operator error Your parity check is overdrawn and you're out of cache. Communist revolutionaries taking over the server room and demanding all the computers in the building or they shoot the sysadmin. Poor misguided fools. Plasma conduit breach Out of cards on drive D: Sand fleas eating the Internet cables parallel processors running perpendicular today ATM cell has no roaming feature turned on, notebooks can't connect Webmasters kidnapped by evil cult. Failure to adjust for daylight savings time. Virus transmitted from computer to sysadmins. Virus due to computers having unsafe sex. Incorrectly configured static routes on the corerouters. Forced to support NT servers; sysadmins quit. Suspicious pointer corrupted virtual machine It's the InterNIC's fault. Root name servers corrupted. Budget cuts forced us to sell all the power cords for the servers. Someone hooked the twisted pair wires into the answering machine. Operators killed by year 2000 bug bite. We've picked COBOL as the language of choice. Operators killed when huge stack of backup tapes fell over. Robotic tape changer mistook operator's tie for a backup tape. Someone was smoking in the computer room and set off the halon systems. Your processor has taken a ride to Heaven's Gate on the UFO behind Hale-Bopp's comet. it's an ID-10-T error Dyslexics retyping hosts file on servers The Internet is being scanned for viruses. Your computer's union contract is set to expire at midnight. Bad user karma. /dev/clue was linked to /dev/null Increased sunspot activity. We already sent around a notice about that. It's union rules. There's nothing we can do about it. Sorry. Interference from the Van Allen Belt. Jupiter is aligned with Mars. Redundant ACLs. Mail server hit by UniSpammer. T-1's congested due to porn traffic to the news server. Data for intranet got routed through the extranet and landed on the internet. We are a 100% Microsoft Shop. We are Microsoft. What you are experiencing is not a problem; it is an undocumented feature. Sales staff sold a product we don't offer. Secretary sent chain letter to all 5000 employees. Sysadmin didn't hear pager go off due to loud music from bar-room speakers. Sysadmin accidentally destroyed pager with a large hammer. Sysadmins unavailable because they are in a meeting talking about why they are unavailable so much. Bad cafeteria food landed all the sysadmins in the hospital. Route flapping at the NAP. Computers under water due to SYN flooding. The vulcan-death-grip ping has been applied. Electrical conduits in machine room are melting. Traffic jam on the Information Superhighway. Radial Telemetry Infiltration Cow-tippers tipped a cow onto the server. tachyon emissions overloading the system Maintenance window broken We're out of slots on the server Computer room being moved. Our systems are down for the weekend. Sysadmins busy fighting SPAM. Repeated reboots of the system failed to solve problem Feature was not beta tested Domain controller not responding Someone else stole your IP address, call the Internet detectives! It's not RFC-822 compliant. operation failed because: there is no message for this error (#1014) stop bit received internet is needed to catch the etherbunny network down, IP packets delivered via UPS Firmware update in the coffee machine Temporal anomaly Mouse has out-of-cheese-error Borg implants are failing Borg nanites have infested the server error: one bad user found in front of screen Please state the nature of the technical emergency Internet shut down due to maintenance Daemon escaped from pentagram crop circles in the corn shell sticky bit has come loose Hot Java has gone cold Cache miss - please take better aim next time Hash table has woodworm Trojan horse ran out of hay Zombie processes detected, machine is haunted. overflow error in /dev/null Browser's cookie is corrupted -- someone's been nibbling on it. Mailer-daemon is busy burning your message in hell. According to Microsoft, it's by design vi needs to be upgraded to vii greenpeace free'd the mallocs Terrorists crashed an airplane into the server room, have to remove /bin/laden. (rm -rf /bin/laden) astropneumatic oscillations in the water-cooling Somebody ran the operating system through a spelling checker. Spider infestation in warm case parts fortunes-bofh-excuses-1.2/README0100644000175000017500000000057607201243476016014 0ustar tfheentfheenVersion 1.1 Update. I will not change this in the future if you like to change it.. then please do so , and publish it ! Sources can be found in ./src bofn@irq.org ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- "There are three kinds of lies: lies, politics and statistics." - known source