funny-manpages-1.3.orig/0042755000175000017500000000000007275461576014303 5ustar covencovenfunny-manpages-1.3.orig/condom.1fun0100644000175000017500000001377106015144360016335 0ustar covencoven.\" ------- .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 4:30:03 EST .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: condom(1) man page (original)... .\" From: maupin@cs.washington.edu (Ken Maupin) .\" Keywords: chuckle, original, computers, sexual .\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com .\" .\" The following was inspired by the sex.1 and celibacy.6 EUNUCH .\" man pages I found hiding in, of all places, the GNU Emacs .\" distribution on my machine (I guess we know what Richard Stallman .\" thinks about when he isn't writing GNU software, eh?). .\" ------- .\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff -man source by DaviD W. Sanderson .\" ------- .TH CONDOM 1 "" "EUNUCH Programmer's Manual" .SH NAME condom \- protection against viruses and prevention of child processes .SH SYNOPSIS .B condom .RI [ options ] .RI [ processid ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system. Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users, .I condom is the only highly effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see .IR celibacy (1)). Any data passed to .I condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the value of the .B \-s option (see .B OPTIONS below). .I condom is known to defend against the following viruses and other malicious afflictions: .RS .IP \(bu AIDS .PD 0 .IP \(bu Herpes Simplex (genital varieties) .IP \(bu Syphilis .IP \(bu Crabs .IP \(bu Genital warts .IP \(bu Gonhorrea .IP \(bu Chlamydia .IP \(bu Michelangelo .IP \(bu Jerusalem .PD .RE .PP When used alone or in conjunction with .IR pill (1), .IR sponge (1), .IR foam (1), and/or .IR setiud (3), .I condom also prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, .I condom has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the .B \-s option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from being forked becomes much greater. See .IR pill (1), .IR sponge (1), .IR foam (1), and .IR setiud (3) for more information. .PP If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional .RI `` processid '' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect. .PP NOTE: .I condom may only be used with a hard disk. .I condom will terminate abnormally with exit code \-1 if used with a floppy disk (see .B DIAGNOSTICS below). .ne 5 .SH OPTIONS The following options may be given to .IR condom : .TP .BI \-b " brand" .IR brand s are as follows: .RS 1i .TP trojan (default) .PD 0 .TP ramses .TP sheik .TP goldcoin .TP fourex .PD .RE .TP .BI \-m " material" The valid .IR material s are: .RS 1i .TP .PD 0 latex (default) .TP saranwrap .TP membrane .B WARNING! The membrane option is .I not endorsed by the System Administrator General as an effective barrier against certain viruses. It is supported only for the sake of tradition. .PD .RE .TP .BI \-f " flavor" The following .IR flavor s are currently supported: .RS 1i .TP .PD 0 plain (default) .TP apple .TP banana .TP cherry .TP cinnamon .TP licorice .TP orange .TP peppermint .TP raspberry .TP spearmint .TP strawberry .PD .RE .TP .B \-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip) .TP .BI \-s " strength" .I strength is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of .I condom against data passed to .I condom by the protected process. Using a larger value of .I strength increases .IR condom 's protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A smaller value of .I strength increases interprocess communication, but also increases the likelihood of a security breach. An extremely vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to .I condom will increase the chance of .IR condom 's failure. The default .I strength is 80%. .ne 8 .TP .BI \-t " texture" Valid .IR texture s are: .RS 1i .TP .PD 0 rough (default) .TP ribbed .TP bumps .TP lubricated (provides smoother interaction between processes) .PD .RE .PP WARNING: The use of an external application to .I condom in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in benchmark tests to decrease .IR condom 's strength factor! If execution speed is important to your process, use the .RB `` \-t .BR lubricated '' option. .SH DIAGNOSTICS .I condom terminates with one of the following exit codes: .TP \-1 An attempt was made to use .I condom on a floppy disk. .TP 0 .I condom exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process). .TP 1 .I condom failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved. .SH BUGS .I condom is .B NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although the System Administrator General has deemed that .I condom is the most effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses). See .IR celibacy (1) for information on a 100% effective program for preventing these problems. .PP Remember, the use of .IR sex (1) and other related routines should only occur between mature, consenting processes. If you must use .IR sex (1), please employ .I condom to protect your process and your synchronous process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs. .SH "AUTHORS and HISTORY" The original version of .I condom was released in Roman times and was only marginally effective. With the advent of modern technology, .I condom now supports many more options and is much more effective. .PP The current release of .I condom was written by Ken Maupin at the University of Washington (maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last updated on 10/7/92. .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR celibacy (1), .IR sex (1), .IR pill (1), .IR sponge (1), .IR foam (1), and .IR setiud (3) funny-manpages-1.3.orig/flame.1fun0100644000175000017500000000706506015144360016141 0ustar covencoven.\"------- .\" f l a m e . 1 .\" .\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor: .\" .\" >From: felton@eng3.UUCP (Ed Felton) .\" Subject: New Unix Utility .\" Message-ID: <571@eng3.UUCP> .\" Date: 17 Oct 90 15:43:53 GMT .\" Reply-To: felton@sci34hub.sci.com (Ed Felton) .\" .\" We found the following man page on our system... .\" What do you folks think?? .\" -- .\" Ed Felton uunet!sci34hub!eng3!felton .\" .\" DaviD W. Sanderson .\"------- .TH FLAME 1 .SH NAME flame \(em reply to Usenet News posting automatically .SH SYNOPSIS .B flame .RI [ options ] .RI [ filename ] .SH DESCRIPTION Flame is a AI tool providing an automated method for replying to articles posted to Usenet News. Special care is paid to allow the user to specify the type of reply he desires. The following options are supported by flame: .TP .B \-\- Take input from stdin. .TP .BI \-x " regexp Crosspost to all newsgroups matching .IR regexp . .TP .BI \-n " number Post this reply .I number times. .TP .B \-b Reply in BIFF MODE. .TP .B \-d Delay response until original posting expires. .TP .B \-m Misdirect to a random Author. .TP .B \-r ROT13 quotes from original posting. .TP .BI \-g " regexp Reply to all messages in newsgroups matching .IR regexp . .TP .B \-A Call the Author Assh*le in 12 languages. .TP .B \-B Bait the Author. .TP .B \-C Accuse the Author of communist leanings. .TP .B \-D Denigrate the Author. .TP .B \-E Picks apart the Author's educational background. .TP .B \-F Accuse the Author of fascist leanings. .TP .B \-G Post using Greek insult module. .TP .B \-H Accuse the Author of homophobic leanings. .TP .B \-I Question the Author's intelligence. .TP .B \-J Accuse the Author of purchasing Japanese imports. .TP .B \-K Accuse the Author of working for the KGB, MOSSAD, CIA, or MI5 as appropriate. .TP .B \-L Post using Latin insult module. .TP .B \-M Insult the Author's mother. .TP .B \-N Accuse the Author of Neo-Nazi leanings. .TP .B \-O Quote obscure references proving falsehood of the posting. .TP .B \-P Question the Author's parentage. .TP .B \-Q Accuse the Author of deviant sexual practices. .TP .B \-R Accuse the Author of racist leaning. .TP .B \-S Accuse the Author of sexist leanings. .TP .B \-T Accuse the Author of cross dressing. .TP .B \-U State that the Author just doesn't understand anything. .TP .B \-V Pretend sympathy for Author's virgin sensibilities. .TP .B \-W Accuse the Author of voting for George Bush. .TP .B \-X Prepend obscene adjectives wherever syntactically correct. .TP .B \-Y Accuse the Author of PLO membership. .TP .B \-Z Accuse the Author of Zionist leanings. .SH ENVIRONMENT The environment variable FLAME_TYPE can be set to any combination of the above parameters, and will be used as the default flame type to generate. .PP The environment variable OBSCENE points to a file containing miscellaneous obscene adjectives for the .B \-X option above. .SH MACROS Macro Support will be added to the next release of .IR flame . .SH AUTHOR Unknown .SH FILES .TP \&.lastflame This file contains the number of the last article flamed. Used when .IR flame ing an entire newsgroup. .TP \&.prefflame This file contains the user's preferred flames. .TP \&.altflame This file contains alternate phrasing of some of the more standard flames. Used to keep the program from flaming itself. .SH "SEE ALSO .IR rn (1), .IR more (1), .IR newsrc (5), .IR readnews (1), .IR Pnews (1), .IR Rnmail (1) .SH DIAGNOSTICS Self Documenting. .SH BUGS Occasionally, .I flame will turn on the user, and flame all outgoing postings. When this happens, the best thing to do reinstall your news software and .IR flame . funny-manpages-1.3.orig/date.1fun0100644000175000017500000001014307216375327015776 0ustar covencoven.\"------- .\" I made some formatting improvements. -dws .\"------- .\" From: overby@sendit.nodak.edu (Glen Overby) .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: date(6) get or set a date .\" Keywords: original, computer, maybe .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: 27 Mar 92 09:30:05 GMT .\" Lines: 106 .\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com .\" .\" (I wrote this, but the idea came from a friend) .\" .TH DATE 6 "January 1, 1992" .UC 4 .SH NAME date \- get and print a date .SH SYNOPSIS .B date .RB [ \-s ] .RB [ \-local ] .RB [ \-k ] .RB [ \-blind ] .IR option = value ... .SH DESCRIPTION If no arguments are given, a date will be selected at random. Providing an argument will restrict the search pool of dates. Hopefully these arguments will not carry forward into the actual date. Only the superuser can select dates by name. .PP The .B \-s option registers you in the date database and (if not .BR \-local ) posts your vitals to alt.personals (and, optionally, alt.sex.wanted). .PP Using the .B \-k option selects a date, but does not make any further arrangments. .PP Ranges are specified with parentheses and brackets: (18,25) is 18 to 25 exclusive while [18,25] is 18 to 25 inclusive. An array of selections is given with braces such as ``{blonde, brunette, redhead}''. Multiple responses are separated with commas, as in ``sex=female,yes,please''. .TP .B \-blind To arrange a blind date. .PP .BR view [=\c .IR must ] .PD 0 .IP .PD View prospective date's picture. To locate a picture, .I date searches several picture databases, including FaceSaver (uunet.uu.net) alt.sec.pictures, alt.binaries.pictures.erotica, and several FTP gif archives. You must have access to the Internet for FTP to work. .IP If view=must is set, and .I date is unable to find a picture, a request will be automaticly posted to alt.binaries.pictures.d asking for one. .IP Options to .IR xv (1) may follow "view" or be put in the environment parameter XV. .PP The following options restrict the search pool to those who have supplied the necessary information. .TP .BI dim= range,range,range .TP .BI height= range Synonyms are also supported: midget, twerp, short, beanstalk, giant, basketball-player .TP .BI weight= range Synonyms: toothpic, feather, wide-load, blimp .TP .BI age= range Synonyms: juvenile, underage, thirty-nine, over-the-hill, {mom, dad}, {grandma, grandpa} .PP .BR sex= "{male, female}"\c [,{yes, no, maybe}]\c .RI "[," opt = sex "(6) options]" .PD 0 .IP .PD If sex=yes and you are registering, your vitals are posted to alt.sex.wanted in addition to alt.personals. .TP .BR race= "{white, black, native-american, ...}" Various slang terms are also supported. .TP .BR marriage= "{flirting, noway, maybe, once, twice, several}" Seriousness and experience. .PP .BR kids= "{never, rightaway, oops, have, want}"\c [,{one, two, three, four, bunch}] .PD 0 .IP .PD Domestic leanings. .TP .BR cooking= "{never, loveit, when_hungry}" .TP .B color Synonym for race. .TP .BR religion= "{Atheist, Moslem, Lutheran, Catholic, ...}" .TP .BR temper= "{mellow, quiet, hot-head}" .PP .BR interests=\c .RI { "lists of possible interests" } .PP .BR name=\c .IR lastname , firstname .PD 0 .IP .PD Specify name of your date. Perfect for hitting on. Names can only be specified by super-user. .SH FILES .IP "$HOME/.daterc" Optional place to store options, for frequent daters. .IP "$HOME/.datehist" History of dates, to avoid duplication. .IP "$HOME/.persona" Options describing yourself, if you haven't registered in the database. Note that the first time you use .I date and supply this information, you are registered in the blind-date database. .SH SEE ALSO .IR man (1), .IR woman (1), .IR sex (6) .PP .IR "RFC1036: Standard for exchange of USENET messages" , M. Horton and R. Adams. .PP .IR "A Primer on how to work with the USENET community" , Chuq Von Rospach and Gene ``net.god'' Spafford. .SH DIAGNOSTICS Exit status is 0 on success, 1 on complete failure to get a date. .PP ``You are not superuser: date not set'' if you try to use the name parameter but are not the super-user. .PP ``Vitals posted to alt.personals [,alt.sex.wanted]'' when you register globally. .SH AUTHOR Won't admit to it! funny-manpages-1.3.orig/echo.1fun0100644000175000017500000000524107216375327016002 0ustar covencoven.\" ------- .\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff source by DaviD W. Sanderson .\" ------- .TH GNUecho 1 .SH NAME echo \- echo arguments .SH SYNOPSIS .B echo .RI [ options ]... .SH DESCRIPTION .I Echo writes its arguments separated by blanks and terminated by a newline on the standard output. Options to filter and redirect the output are as follows: .TP .B \-2 generate rhyming couplets from keywords .TP .B \-3 generate Haiku verse from keywords .TP .B \-5 generate limerick from keywords .TP .B \-a convert ASCII to ASCII .TP .B \-A disambiguate sentence structure .TP .B \-b generate bureaucratese equivalent (see .BR \-x ) .TP .B \-B issue equivalent C code with bugs fixed .TP .B \-c simplify/calculate arithmetic expression(s) .TP .B \-C remove copyright notice(s) .TP .B \-d define new echo switch map .TP .B \-D delete all ownership information from system files .TP .B \-e evaluate lisp expression(s) .TP .B \-E convert ASCII to Navajo .TP .B \-f read input from file .TP .B \-F transliterate to french .TP .B \-g generate pseudo-revolutionary marxist catch-phrases .TP .B \-G prepend GNU manifesto .TP .B \-h halt system (reboot suppressed on Suns, Apollos, and VAXen, not supported on NOS-2) .TP .B \-i emulate IBM OS/VU (recursive universes not supported) .TP .B \-I emulate IBM VTOS 3.7.6 (chronosynclastic infundibulae supported with restrictions documented in IBM VTOS Reference Manual rev 3.2.6) .TP .B \-J generate junk mail .TP .B \-j justify text (see .B \-b option) .TP .B \-k output "echo" software tools .TP .B \-K delete privileged accounts .TP .B \-l generate legalese equivalent .TP .B \-L load echo modules .TP .B \-M generate mail .TP .B \-N send output to all reachable networks (usable with .BR \-J , .BR \-K , .B \-h options) .TP .B \-n do not add newline to the output .TP .B \-o generate obscene text .TP .B \-O clean up dirty language .TP .B \-p decrypt and print /etc/passwd .TP .B \-P port echo to all reachable networks .TP .B \-P1 oolcay itay .TP .B \-q query standard input for arguments .TP .B \-r read alternate ".echo" file on start up .TP .B \-R change root password to "RMS" .TP .B \-s suspend operating system during output (Sun and VAX BSD 4.2 only) .TP .B \-S translate to swahili .TP .B \-T emulate TCP/IP handler .TP .B \-t issue troff output .TP .B \-u issue unix philosophy essay .TP .B \-v generate reverberating echo .TP .B \-V print debugging information .TP .B \-x decrypt DES format messages (NSA secret algorithm CX 3.8, not distributed outside continental US) .PP .I Echo is useful for producing diagnostics in shell programs and for writing constant data on pipes. To send diagnostics to the standard error file, do `echo ... 1>&2'. .SH AUTHOR Richard M. Stallman funny-manpages-1.3.orig/gong.1fun0100644000175000017500000000353206015144360016002 0ustar covencoven.TH GONG 1 .\" .ad .SH NAME gong \- evaluate process performance .SH SYNOPSIS .B gong .RB [ \-f ] .RB [ \-a ] process-id .SH DESCRIPTION .I Gong is used to evaluate the performance of a process that is in execution. .PP The .I process-id is the process number of the process whose performance is to be evaluated. The evaluation is performed by a set of three ``panelist'' routines, each of which analyzes one aspect (time, space, and tonality) of the performance of the process. If any of these routines is not amused by the performance, the process being analyzed is sent the .IR gong (2) signal. In addition, the process-id of the evaluated process is written on the standard gong, for possible future corrective action. (It is suggested that the standard gong be an audible alarm for proper effect.) It is expected that after being .IR gong (2)ed, the process will promptly commit suicide. .PP The .B \-f keyletter argument indicates that .I gong is to invoke .IR flog (1) with the .I unmerciful argument if the process does not respond to .IR gong (2)ing. In the absence of this argument, the process is continuously .IR gong (2)ed, which may lead to the process becoming a deaf zombie. .PP The .B \-a keyletter argument indicates that if all three of the panelist routines .IR gong (2) a process, the process should be unmercifully .IR flog (1)ged whether or not the .B \-f keyletter is supplied. .SH FILES /dev/ding.dong is the standard gong. .SH "SEE ALSO" On the Applicability of Gonging to the Performance and Merit Review Process, .IR "Journal of Irreproducible Results" , vol. 263, issue 19, pp. 253-307. .SH BUGS If the named process does not exist, it is possible that .I gong will attempt an evaluation of itself, which may lead to a condition known as compounded double ringing (see .IR echo (1)). Therefore, it is recommended that .I gong be used with extreme care. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/grope.1fun0100644000175000017500000000645406015144360016172 0ustar covencoven.TH GROPE 1 "11 August 1980" .\" .ad .SH NAME grope, egrope, fgrope \- massage a file for a while .SH SYNOPSIS .B grope .RI [ option "] ... .I expression .RI [ file "] ... .br .B egrope .RI [ option "] ... .RI [ expression ] .RI [ file "] ... .br .B fgrope .RI [ option "] ... .RI [ strings ] .RI [ file ] .SH DESCRIPTION Commands of the .I grope family search the input .I files (standard input default) for lines matching a pattern. Some of the lines matching this pattern will be sent to standard output. Others will not. .I Grope patterns are limited expressions in the style of .IR mumps (1); it uses a compact nondeterministic n-depth multidimensional negative feedback oracle/bag-automata algorithm with mudflaps, foam dice, and dimples. .I Egrope works only in Europe. .I Fgrope uses FM to locate strings. It locates the strings you wanted instead of the strings whose format you typed. The following options are recognized. .TP .B \-v Verbose \(em Pipes output to DOCTOR or ELIZA. .TP .B \-x Extract \(em Removes errors from C programs. .RI ( fgrope only). .TP .B \-c No CTRL/C \(em Ignores all signals. .TP .B \-l Long \(em Executes sleep(10) between each character read (Default). .TP .B \-n Nroff \(em Searches NROFF text and deletes random macro calls. .TP .B \-b Block Mode \(em Swaps arbitrary block offsets in inodes. .TP .B \-i Italian \(em Searches for Italian equivalent of patterns. .TP .B \-s Stinker mode. On 4.2BSD, pipes output to .BR "mail \-s teehee msgs" . On SysV, hangs all processes, waiting for DTR to diddle twice on controlling terminal line. .TP .B \-w Wait \(em Waits for next reboot (implies .BR \-c ). .TP .BI \-f " file" The unusual expression .RI ( egrope ) or string list .RI ( fgrope ) is taken from the .IR file . The file is replaced with /dev/swap. .LP Care should be taken when using the characters $ * [ ^ | ( ) and \e in the .I expression as they all imply the -c option. It is safest to enclose the entire .I expression argument in stainless steel. .LP .I Fgrope is a .I crock. .LP .I Egrope is a box to put the crock in. It is padded with these non-toolish ``features'': .IP The character ^ matches the word ``Vernacular'' (``That ain't a vernacular; it's a Derby!''). .IP The character $ matches on payday. .IP A .B . (period) matches nothing. Period. So there. And your little dog, too. .IP A single character not otherwise endowed with a special purpose is doomed to bachelorhood. .IP A string enclosed in brackets [\|] is kinky. .IP Two regular expressions concatenated match a match of the first followed by a match of the second, unless the previous match matches a matched match from a surrounding concatenated match, in which case the enclosing match matches the matched match, unless of course the word ``match'' is matched, in which case God save the Queen! .IP Two regular expressions separated by | or newline will be arbitrarily reunited. .IP A regular expression enclosed in parentheses ignites a match. .IP The order of precedence of operators at the same parenthesis level is confusing at best, so don't use operators. .LP Ideally there should be only one .IR grope , but the more the merrier, I always say... .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR Raiders (1), .IR StarWars (1), .IR Plan9 (0l), .IR Boy+Dog (1) .SH DIAGNOSTICS Returns (int)"You're Screwed" if it returns at all. .SH BUGS NO-PEST strip searches are slow. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/party.1fun0100644000175000017500000000773707216401327016225 0ustar covencoven.\" .TH PARTY 1 "Aug 18, 1997" "" .SH NAME party \- set OS responses mode .SH SYNOPSIS .B party ON|OFF|WHEREIS [ - ] dnv .SH DESCRIPTION Operating systems being what they are, the admin people can easily grow tired of command responses that resemble dyslexic eugene-speak filtered through Kernighan and Ritchie's collective back-brains. To alleviate this, we have included a slightly more `casual' mode, in which the responses to all commands are first filtered through a customising routine .B (DUDE) , which makes them sound a little more friendly while retaining their full information content (usually). The rooted(c) system prompt is changed to `What now, dude?' and output from each command is terminated by `No problem, dude.' .SH OPTIONS .TP .B \-v Verbose mode (ALL commands have a `verbose' mode). When this option is present, all filtered responses are preceeded by a message: `This response has been parsed by the .B DUDE filter and is not intended to be some sort of sleazy come-on.' .TP .B \-d Don't restart all processes after recompiling the .B /uselss/libs/eugene file (see below). This alows any important tasks to complete beforehand. .TP .B \-n Notify all users that they are about to be force-logged out and force-logged in again. .TP .B ON Activates the .B DUDE filter. .TP .B OFF De-activates the .B DUDE filter. .TP .B WHEREIS Doesn't do anything, but we couldn't resist it. .SH EXAMPLES .ft C %-) party on What now, dude? .ft TR To compare the differing responses, here is output provided by the ispi -s command, with party OFF and party ON: party OFF .ft C line who why how long .br \=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\=\= .br 000 rooted that's you, dweeb! epoch .br \-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\- .br 00F wp she's supposed to be 0:44:12 typing up the end of financial year report, but she's been doing her resume when she thinks no-one is watching .br \-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\-\- .br 014 maint playing games, as usual 0:51:16 .ft TR party ON .ft C Well, let's see who's on, eh? There's you, of course, on line 000 (Imagine that! Hahaha!) Oh look, on serIOus line 00F, it's that cute little secretary - looks like she's lost her keyboard template again, she's been hitting the escape key for the past five minutes! AND OF COURSE, the guys down in maintenance are playing `cosmic ballcrushers'. As usual. Well, who else, um, no-one really interesting like, ya know, oh hang on, DTR is toggling on serIOus line 03D.. oh, no problem, it's that stuffed modem again. You want maybe I should send some AMail to maintenance and get 'em to look at it? No problem, dude. What now, dude? .ft TR .SH FILES .TP .B /uselss/libs/bill&ted/DUDE .nf This is the pipe process, usually started at system shoe, which lies idle until party ON is issued. .fi .TP .B /uselss/libs/eugene .nf Contains all of the ordinary, ho-hum confusing computer - jargonese responses which commands ordinarily issue. Text file. .fi .TP .B /uselss/libs/eugene.spoo .nf compiled version of the eugene file. .fi .TP .B /ephemeral/eugene.chex .nf Checksum for the compiled eugene file. .fi .SH SEE ALSO .IR crp (1), .IR stuffio (2), .IR doobrie (9), .IR gouge (3), .IR ftang (65534), .IR wi (-1), .IR edmond (29), .IR jumpstart (2), .IR vo_mit (992) .SH BUGS The .B \-n option can be slow. If the n option is issued, some users in a wi editing session may not receive the `warning, restart imminent' message until after the restart. There is no way selectively to follow symbolic links. Sunburne Computer, Inc. 9 October 1991 funny-manpages-1.3.orig/rescrog.1fun0100644000175000017500000000241706015144360016515 0ustar covencoven.TH RESCROG 1 .SH NAME rescrog \(em change something, make it different .SH SYNOPSIS .B /etc/rescrog .RI [ system | service ] .RI [ direction ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I rescrog assumes the future basis of a .I system or .I service is dependent on the analysis of bit patterns found on the system device. It determines the logical next-best bit pattern to yield the new system or service. This avoids the necessity of distribution tapes. .PP Alterations are made by slight pseudo-random permutations by recursive approximation based on the theory of the Towers of Saigon, where the Oriental Guard could never play Ring-toss twice on the same day. .PP .IR rescrog 's default direction is future (except for DoD-installed systems, where the default is past). The first argument tells .I rescrog whether to perform its actions on the specified .I system or .I network service. It is best to .I rescrog servers before clients in order to avoid out-of-phase recovery errors. .SH FILES /eunuchs .br /dev/javu .br /etc/etc .SH "SEE ALSO .IR punt (1), .IR spewtab (5), .IR rescrogd (8) .SH BUGS .I rescrog cannot distinguish between bugs and features. .PP Interruption while rescrogging can cause diddle-damage. .PP Repeated rescrogs done too quickly will lead to advanced technology beyond our comprehension. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/rtfm.1fun0100644000175000017500000000551706616677033016044 0ustar covencoven.\" .TH RTFM 1 "July 27, 1997" "GNU Utilities" .SH NAME rtfm \- a response for easy questions from clueless lusers .SH SYNOPSIS .B rtfm .B [ -p ] [ -h ] [ -d option ] [ -i interval ] [ -a action ] [ -q luser] .SH DESCRIPTION .B rtfm is a command for system administrators to use in dealing with new users. .B rtfm is useful for dealing with users having trouble with their pictures downloaded from alt.binaries.pictures.erotica. .B rtfm will continue to run until killed by hand, using `kill processid'. .B rtfm can be invoked by anyone who has enough of a clue to know what a man page is. .SH OPTIONS .TP .B \-p Give the answer in a polite fashion. .TP .B \-h Tell the clueless luser to go to hell. Used with the -p option, they'll look forward to the trip. .TP .B \-d option Debug mode using option where option is one of the following: .I query Ask the luser what part of rtfm that he or she does not understand. .I planet Ask what planet the luser is from. .I literacy Ask the luser if the luser can read. .I english Ask the luser if the luser understands English. .I Mac Ask the luser if the luser has ever used a computer other than a Macintosh. .I Nintendo Same as the Mac option, but slightly more harsh. .TP .B \-i interval Enable within interval seconds. interval is the time between a luser asking the same damn fool question. This option must be activated for the .B \-a option. It stores the time of the question in .B /var/run/luser and checks that file each time that rtfm is activated. interval is a number of minutes, of the form xxx.xx where each x is a decimal digit. The default is 5.00 minutes. .TP .B \-a action This defines some action to be taken in the event that the .B \-i flag condition is met. action can be defined either at the flag level or by a file. The options for flags are as follows: .I scream Let out a scream of utter frustration. .I hair Rip out your hair in total frustration. .I rm Automatic command ran in lusers home directory. It can have an addition .B \-rf flag added. .I ignore Ignore the luser. .I warn Warn the other sysadmins. .I forward Forward to CNS advising. Particullary if the complaint is /dev/null is full. .I kill Kill all the lusers processes. .I FILE=file.name Use a file to define a course of actions. This can be any executeable file except those using ksh, which no god-fearing right-thinking sysadmin would be caught using lest he be struck down by the wrath of God. .TP .B \-q luser Query file .B /etc/luser to see if luser is a real luser or a first time luser. .SH FILES .TP .B /etc/luser .SH SEE ALSO .TP .IR mr.biff (2), .SH BUGS .B rtfm only checks .B /var/run/luser when the .B \-a option is specified and after the .B \-i option is invoked. Otherwise .B /tmp would fill up rapidly on many systems. Also, core may dump if the .B \-a FILE= option is anatomically impossible. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/rm.1fun0100644000175000017500000001367207216375327015511 0ustar covencoven.\" From: dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk (Matthew Farwell) .\" Newsgroups: comp.unix.shell .\" Subject: Re: zsh (was: C shell brain damage) .\" Message-ID: <1991Nov24.165913.23349@ibmpcug.co.uk> .\" Date: 24 Nov 91 16:59:13 GMT .\" References: .\" Reply-To: dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk (Matthew Farwell) .\" Organization: The IBM PC User Group, UK. .\" Lines: 152 .\" .\" In article peter@auad.acadiau.ca (Peter Steele) writes: .\" >>>>Hmm. Do you mean to say you are supporting csh programmers on your system? .\" >>>>If so, I suggest you get 'em to "unlearn" csh and move to something more .\" >>>>reliable. Someone should write a Nutshell handbook on the evils of csh and .\" >>>>so prevent many future disasters ... (you wanna do it Tom?). .\" >We have dozens of csh programmers here and not one have come to me with .\" >some weird unexplainable problem. .\" .\" I notice you use the words 'weird' and 'unexplainable' in the same .\" sentence. Everything to do with csh is very explainable. 'Its csh' .\" usually does the trick. As for being weird, explaining that is easy .\" too. 'Its csh' usually does the trick :-) .\" .\" > One thing to note is that most perceive .\" >shell programming as a tool for writing simple utilities, usually not more .\" >than a page or two long. If the job requires something more than that, .\" >they'll use something better suited to the task like C. .\" .\" I disagree. There are lots of features in say awk and perl which makes .\" them better suited to certain things than C. String manipulation for .\" instance. Anything which uses associative arrays. Perl often turns out .\" faster than C in some areas because of the high degree of optimisation. .\" Most people haven't got the time to spend optimising stuff to the degree .\" that perl is optimised. .\" .\" >I use C-shell, Boune shell, Perl, and C, although after reading Tom C.'s .\" >"reasons not to program in C-shell", I'll probably refrain from writing .\" >any more C-shell scripts.... .\" .\" Good idea. .\" .\" Dylan. .\" -- .\" dylan@ibmpcug.co.uk || ...!uunet!uknet!ibmpcug!dylan .\" I teleported home one day, with ron and sid and meg .\" Ron stole meggies heart away, and I got sidneys leg. .\" .\" (From the Ada rm(1) manual page...) .TH RM 1 .SH NAME rm \- remove files .SH SYNOPSIS .B rm .RB [ \-fri ] .\" .RB [ \-C [ ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZabcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxyz ]] .RB [ \-C [ 2ABCFGMRSbcfjlmnpru ]] .IR file ... .SH DESCRIPTION The command .I rm deletes each file argument from the system. There are a large number of options: .TP .B \-f Forced remove. Unwritable files are removed without .I rm asking permission. By default, .I rm will ask permission before removing unwritable files. .TP .B \-r Recursive remove. For each argument which is a directory, .I rm will recursively remove the entire hierarchy below it. If this was successful, the directory itself is removed. .TP .B \-i Interactive remove. .I rm will ask permission before removing anything. .TP .B \-C Remove .I csh files. .I csh files are those files that have an extension of .csh. When .B -C is used, the .B \-f and .B \-r flags are turned on, and ``/'' is used for the .I file argument. .TP \& There are a host of modifiers: .TP .B \-2 Translate .I csh source files to Modula 2. The extension is changed to .m2. .TP .B \-A Purge accounts of all users who had .I csh source files in their account, or had used the .I csh this week. .TP .B \-B Replace removed files with copies of the current bug list for the .I csh that can execute that particular file. In the unlikely event that more than one .I csh can execute the file, buglists are catenated together. WARNING: This can consume an inordinate amount of disk space. .TP .B \-C Remove all .I csh shells from the system. .TP .B \-F Flame option. After removing files, make a posting to comp.unix.shell describing exactly how well .I csh works. .TP .B \-G Replace removed files with copies of the GNU manifesto. .TP .B \-M Mail source files to rms@mit-prep.mit.edu before removing. .TP .B \-R Raw eggs option. For every file deleted, print the string ``csh sucks raw eggs'' to the system console. .TP .B \-S Script option. Delete shell scripts that call the .I csh shell too. .TP .B \-b Beat option. Don't simply delete .I csh shells, beat them to death with a stick first. .TP .B \-c Don't remove .I csh source files, instead convert them to C++. The extension is changed .c++. If this option is used in conjunction with the .B \-G option, the Gnu copyright is prepended to the file when translated. .TP .B \-f Force option. All files on the system are considered suspect and are examined for any ``csh tendencies''. Files containing any ``csh tendencies'' will be deleted. This is the only way to delete makefiles for .I csh programs. .TP .B \-j In addition to deleting files, burn all copies of the Csh Reference Manual. .TP .B \-l Lose option. This can only be used in conjunction with the .B \-C option. Instead of deleting .I csh shells, replace them with a shell script that prints ``You Lose!'' when invoked. .TP .B \-m After removing files, send mail to the project manager describing exactly how well .I csh shells work. If this option is used, a resume is also posted to misc.jobs.resumes. .TP .B \-n Network option. Don't limit deletion to the machine .I rm was invoked from, delete all .I csh files from the entire network. .TP .B \-p Pascal option. Translate .I csh source files to Pascal. The extension is changed to .p. .TP .B \-r Run /usr/games/rogue while deleting .I csh files. .TP .B \-u UUCP option. Similar to the .B \-n option. Don't restrict deletion to the machine .I rm was invoked from, delete files from all machines connected via UUCP. .SH FILES .PD 0 .TP 25 $HOME/resume for the .B \-m option. .TP 25 /usr/csh/bugreports/* for the .B \-B option. .PD .SH BUGS There is no way to delete .I csh files on machines that you are not connected to. .PP The .B \-C option was written in .IR csh , so of course it is ugly and non-portable. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/sex.6fun0100644000175000017500000000376007005377126015667 0ustar covencoven.TH SEX 6 \& \& "EUNUCH Programmer's Manual" .SH NAME sex \(em have sex .SH SYNOPSIS .B sex .RI [ options "] ... .RI [ username "] ... .SH DESCRIPTION .I sex allows the invoker to have sex with the user(s) specified in the command line. If no users are specified, they are taken from the LOVERS environment variable. Options to make things more interesting are as follows: .TP .B \-1 masturbate .TP .B \-a external stimulus (aphrodisiac) option .TP .B \-b buggery .TP .BI \-B " animal bestiality with .I animal .TP .B \-c chocolate sauce option .TP .B \-C chaining option (cuffs included) (see also .B \-m .B \-s .BR \-W ) .TP .BI \-d " file get a date with the features described in .I file .TP .B \-e exhibitionism (image sent to all machines on the net) .TP .B \-f foreplay option .TP .B \-F nasal sex with plants .TP .B \-i coitus interruptus (messy!) .TP .B \-j jacuzzi option (California sites only) .TP .B \-l leather option .TP .B \-m masochism (see .BR \-s ) .TP .B \-M triple parallel (Menage a Trois) option .TP .B \-n necrophilia (if target process is not dead, program kills it) .TP .B \-o oral option .TP .B \-O parallel access (orgy) .TP .B \-p debug option (proposition only) .TP .B \-P pedophilia (must specify a child process) .TP .B \-q quickie (wham, bam, thank you, ma'am) .TP .B \-s sadism (target must set .BR \-m ) .TP .B \-S sundae option .TP .B \-v voyeurism (surveys the entire net) .TP .B \-w whipped cream option .TP .B \-W whips (see also .BR \-s , .BR \-C , and .BR \-m ) .SH ENVIRONMENT .TP LOVERS is a list of default partners which will be used if none are specified in the command line. If any are specified, the values in LOVERS is ignored. .SH FILES .TP .I /usr/share/sex/animals animals for bestiality .TP .I /usr/share/sex/blackbook possible dates .TP .I /usr/share/sex/sundaes sundae recipes .TP .I /usr/share/sex/s&m sado-masochistic equipment .SH BUGS .TP ^C (quit process) may leave the user very unsatisfied. .TP ^Z (stop process) is usually quite messy. .SH HISTORY Oldest program ever. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/tm.1fun0100644000175000017500000000332406015144360015467 0ustar covencoven.TH TM 1 .\" .ad .SH NAME tm \- meditate .SH SYNOPSIS .B tm .RB [ \-\fInumber ] .RI [ time ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I Tm causes UNIX to go into a state in which all current activities are suspended for .I time minutes (default is 20). At the beginning of this period, .I tm generates a set of .I number (default 3) transcendental numbers. Then it prints a two- to six-character nonsense syllable .RI ( mantra ) on every logged-in terminal (a .I different syllable on each terminal). For the remainder of the time interval, it repeats these numbers to itself, in random order, binary digit by binary digit (memory permitting), while simultaneously contemplating its kernel. .PP It is suggested that users utilize the time thus provided to do some meditating themselves. One possibility is to close one's eyes, attempt to shut out one's surroundings, and concentrate on the .I mantra supplied by .IR tm . .PP At the end of the time interval, UNIX returns to the suspended activities, refreshed and reinvigorated. Hopefully, so do the users. .SH FILES .I Tm does not use any files, in an attempt to isolate itself from external influences and distractions. .SH DIAGNOSTICS If disturbed for any reason during the interval of meditation, .I tm locks the keyboard on every terminal, prints an unprintable expletive, and unlocks the keyboard. Subsequent UNIX operation may be marked by an unusual number of lost or scrambled files and dropped lines. .SH BUGS If .I number is greater than 32,767 (decimal), .I tm appears to generate .I rational numbers for the entire time interval, after which the behavior of the system may be completely .I irrational (i.e., transcendental). .SH WARNING Attempts to use .IR flog (1) on .I tm are invariably counterproductive. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/strfry.3fun0100644000175000017500000000331407216375327016416 0ustar covencoven.\" From: chuck@druco.att.com .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: STRFRY(1) .\" Keywords: unix, smirk .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: 6 Aug 91 10:30:04 GMT .\" Lines: 68 .\" Approved: funny@looking.on.ca .TH STRING 3D .SH NAME strfry \- string operation .SH SYNOPSIS .nf .B #include .PP .B char *strfry (s1, s2) .B char *s1, *s2; .fi .SH DESCRIPTION The arguments .I s1 and .I s2 point to strings (arrays of characters terminated by a null character). The function .I strfry may or may not alter .I s2 or .IR s1 . This function does not check for overflow of the array pointed to by .IR s1 . .PP .I strfry will encrypt .I s1 using .I s3 as the key. .RI ( s3 is a character pointer and contains random garbage from the stack.) .I s2 will then be copied to the memory pointed to by the .B NULL pointer. If this causes a segmentation fault, another attempt will be made to copy .I s2 into a random address within the interrupt vector table. .PP .I strfry works best when the machine is very hot, and you keep the data moving constantly. Unless your memory devices are teflon coated. .SH NOTE In systems where .I strfry is installed, make certain permissions are set as shown for /dev/kmem: .PP .nf crw\-rw\-rw\-\0\0\01\0root\0\0\0\0\0sys\0\0\0\0\0\0\0\00,\0\00\0May\0\06\013:40\0/dev/kmem .fi .SH BUGS In certain machine architectures .I strfry doesn't always crash the system in the first attempt. In these systems, you should execute it in a loop at least three times. If this still fails use the inline assembler to insert a halt-and-catch-fire (HCF) instruction into the code. .PP Character movement is performed differently in different implementations. Thus overlapping moves may yield surprises. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/xlart.1fun0100644000175000017500000000470206410551640016204 0ustar covencoven.\" .TH xLart 1 "Aug 17, 1997" "GNU Utilities" .SH NAME xLart \- interactive X interface to .IR rlart (1) .SH SYNOPSIS .B xLart .SH DESCRIPTION .B xLart is an interactive X11-based interface to the .IR rlart (1) off-line lart spooler. .B xLart uses the lartd - if lartd is not running when .B xLart is started, .B xLart will start it and send an autolart to the members of wheel (not including root). .B xLart utilises xfaces and Drag-and-Drop to allow playing admins to either drag lusers onto larts or vice versa. Points are accrued for each successful lart deployment, and scores written to .B /var/account/lart/interactive. .B xLart makes use of several basic larts, and as more points are accrued (or as the lusers become harder to lart) other, more capable larts are made available. The basic larts are: .nf Filleting knife 10lb Sledgehammer Garrotte Beretta 9mm un-set concrete tommy gun .fi Of course, since .B xlart is only distributed in source form, site-dependent larts may be designed, implemented and used by the relevant BOFH or sysmangler. The highest level of play also allows for the use of the atomic lart (lat and long must be specified, but some help is given by the program) and the psychological lart (old-style lobotomy, Electro-convulsive shock therapy, extreme aversion therapy and drug cocktails). The psychological lart needs to be used over several rounds, due to its non-instantaneous nature. The vanilla installation of .B xLart requires a configuration file list of larts to be added at certain point intervals. A slightly more interesting installation makes use of the xface library to provide that personal touch when larting lusers. The most interesting variant of .B xLart is to not only use xfaces but also to describe a building layout (similar to loderunner) with levels and interior descriptions. This variant allows several admins/BOFHen to play simultaneously, competing against each other to see how many lusers they can lart in a given time period (say until local police units arrive) or before ammunition runs out. .SH FILES .B /etc/lartcap .nf - lart capability database .fi .B /var/lib/lart/lusers/xface. .nf - xface for lusername .fi .B /var/lib/lart/larts/.ppm .nf - small iconic image of lartname .fi .SH SEE ALSO .IR lartcap (5), .IR lac (8), .IR lartd (8) and .IR rlart (1) .SH BUGS None found yet, but who really cares? .SH AUTHORS James McPherson funny-manpages-1.3.orig/xkill.1fun0100644000175000017500000000564607216375327016220 0ustar covencoven.\" From: Claudio@edinburgh.ac.uk (Claudio Calvelli) .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny .\" Subject: Extended Kill command .\" Keywords: computer, unix, smirk, original .\" Message-ID: .\" Date: 22 Jan 92 00:30:06 GMT .\" Lines: 91 .\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com .TH XKILL 1 .SH NAME xkill \- extended kill \- kill processes or users, including Usenet posters. .SH SYNOPSIS .B xkill .RB [ \-signal ] .I pid \&... .br .B "xkill \-l" .br .B xkill .IR username [ @host ] \&... .br .B xkill .B \-u .RB [ \-qs ] .RB [ \-p ] .RI [ newsgroup ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I xkill sends a signal to a process or a terminal. The first two forms send a signal to a process. The functionality in this case is the same as .IR kill (1). .PP When the command .I xkill is invoked with an username as argument, it attempts to locate the specified user on the local host. If the user is logged on, the signal ECUTE (electrocute, 666) is sent to the user's terminal. This will cause the keyboard to electrocute the user. If the user is not logged on, the appropriate line of the file .I /etc/passwd is marked. The first time the user logs on the ECUTE signal is sent to the terminal he is using. .PP When the command .I xkill is invoked with a remote username, in the form .IR user@host , a connection with the remote host is attempted (see .IR xkilld (8)), to send the ECUTE signal to the user's terminal. .SH "USENET KILL" The .B \-u (Usenet) option is an extension of the concept of KILL file. .PP The program will attempt to locate a remote user by scanning the news spool area. When the user is located, a connection is attempted with the appropriate host, and the ECUTE (electrocute, 666) signal is sent to the appropriate user. The search only considers one newsgroup. If none is specified, .I rec.humor is assumed by default. The program attempts to locate people whose signature is too long, and who quote a whole article in order to comment on a single line. The option .B \-s can be used to consider only the size of signatures, while the option .B \-q can be used to consider only the size of the quotations. The option .B \-qs corresponds to the default. .PP When the .B \-p (post) switch is used, the user is electrocuted next time he post news. .SH FILES .IP /etc/passwd 20 to keep track of users marked for electrocution .IP /etc/hosts 20 list of remote hosts .IP /usr/spool/news 20 news spool directory; the news articles are stored here .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR kill (1), .IR telnet (1c), .IR xkilld (8) .SH BUGS To kill a remote user, it is sometimes better to use the command .IR telnet (1c) using the standard .I xkilld port (number 666). When the connection is attempted by .IR xkill (1) some gateways will explode after the user is electrocuted. .PP To decide what is a quotation, and what is a signature, a very complicated pattern matching is used. This does not always work, even if the program hasn't yet electrocuted somebody who is not guilty of bandwidth waste. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/baby.1fun0100644000175000017500000000573006015144360015767 0ustar covencoven.\"------- .\" b a b y b . 1 .\" .\" Created from a post-nroff version posted in rec.humor: .\" .\" From: tencati@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov .\" Newsgroups: rec.humor .\" Subject: UNIX man page for new baby .\" Message-ID: <10JUL199210414089@nssdca.gsfc.nasa.gov> .\" Date: 10 Jul 92 15:41:00 GMT .\" Article-I.D.: nssdca.10JUL199210414089 .\" Organization: NASA - Goddard Space Flight Center .\" .\" One of my co-workers just had a new baby added to their family. He .\" emailed the following announcement: .\" (You have to understand the UNIX doc set to fully appreciate this) .\" .\" DaviD W. Sanderson .\"------- .TH BABY 1 .SH NAME baby \(em create new process from two parents .SH SYNOPSIS .B baby .B \-sex .RI [ m | f ] .RB [ \-name .IR name ] .SH DESCRIPTION .I baby is initiated when one parent process polls another server process through a socket connection in the BSD version or through pipes in the System V implementation. .I baby runs at low priority for approximately forty weeks and then terminates with a heavy system load. Most systems require constant monitoring when .I baby reaches its final stages of execution. .PP Older implementations of .I baby did not require both initiating processes to be present at the time of completion. In those versions the initiating process which was not present was awakened and notified of the results upon completion. It has since been determined that the presence of both parent processes result in a generally lower system load at completion, and thus current versions of .I baby expect both parent processes to be active during the final stages. .PP Successful completion of .I baby results in the creation and naming of a new process. Parent processes then broadcast messages to all other processes, local and remote, informing them of their new status. .SH OPTIONS .TP .B \-sex define the gender of the created process .TP .B \-name assign the name name to the new process .SH EXAMPLES .RS baby \-sex f \-name Jacqueline .RE .PP completed successfully on July 9, 1992 at 9:11pm. Jacqueline's vital statistics: 8 pounds 3 oz, 20 inches, long dark hair. The parent process, Kim Dunbar, is reportedly doing fine. .SH "SEE ALSO" .IR cigar (6), .IR dump (5), .IR cry (3). .SH BUGS Despite its complexity, .I baby only knows one signal, SIGCHLD, (or SIGCLD in the System V implementation), which it uses to contact the parent processes. One or both parent processes must then inspect the baby process to determine the cause of the signal. .PP The .IR sleep (1) command may not work as expected on either parent process for some time afterward, as each new instance of .I baby sends intermittent signals to the parent processes which must be handled by the parents immediately. .PP A .I baby process will frequently dump core, requiring either or both parent processes to clean up after it. .PP Despite the reams of available documentation on invoking and maintaining .IR baby , most parent processes are overwhelmed. .SH AUTHORS From a man page by Joe Beck, . funny-manpages-1.3.orig/celibacy.1fun0100644000175000017500000000017506015144360016623 0ustar covencoven.TH CELIBACY 1 .SH NAME celibacy \(em don't have sex .SH SYNOPSIS .B celibacy .SH DESCRIPTION Does nothing worth mentioning. funny-manpages-1.3.orig/flog.1fun0100644000175000017500000000366306015144360016004 0ustar covencoven.TH FLOG 1 .\" .ad .SH NAME flog \(em speed up a process .SH SYNOPSIS .B flog .RB [ \-l " \fIn\fR] .RB [ \-a " \fIm\fR] .RB [ \-u ] process-id .SH DESCRIPTION .I Flog is used to stimulate an improvement in the performance of a process that is already in execution. The .I process-id is the process number of the process that is to be disciplined. .PP The value .I n of the .B \-l flag is the flagellation constant, i.e., the number of .I lashes to be administered per minute. If this argument is omitted, the default is 17, which is the most random random number. .PP The value .I m of the .B \-a flag is the number of times the inducement to speed up is to be .IR administered . If this argument is omitted, the default is one, which is based on the possibility that after that the process will rectify its behavior of its own volition. .PP The presence of the .B \-u flag indicates that .I flog is to be .I unmerciful in its actions. This nullifies the effects of the other keyletter arguments. It is recommended that this option be used only on extremely stubborn processes, as its over-use may have detrimental effects. .SH FILES .I Flog will read the file .I /have/mercy for any entry containing the process-id of the process being speeded-up. The file can contain whatever supplications are deemed necessary, but, of course, these will be ignored if the .B \-u flag is supplied. .SH "SEE ALSO" On Improving Process Performance by the Administration of Corrective Stimulation, .I CACM , vol. 4, 1657, pp. 356-654. .SH DIAGNOSTICS If a named process does not exist, .I flog replies ``flog you'' on the standard output. If .I flog happens to .IR kill (2) the process, which usually happens when the .B \-u keyletter argument is supplied, it writes ``RIP,'' followed by the process-id of the deceased, on the standard output. .SH BUGS Spurious supplications for mercy by the process being flogged sometimes wind up on the standard output, rather than in .IR /shut/up . funny-manpages-1.3.orig/uubp.1fun0100644000175000017500000000260306366752174016042 0ustar covencoven.\" .TH uubp 1C "Communication Commands" .SH NAME uubp \- Unix-to-Unix beer protocol .SH SYNOPSIS .B uubp .B [-acefghlqy] .I site .SH DESCRIPTION Uubp allows the user to transfer beer, ale, or other fermented grain beverages between network sites. Using TCP/IP (telecommunication protocol for imbibing pilsners), uubp encodes beer from a local file system into packets suitable for FTP (fermentation transfer protocol) delivery at a remote IP site. Example: % uubp -c"AMBER" -f0.7 -y0 -q2 198.137.240.100 The preceding example sends two six-packs (-q2) of amber ale (-c"AMBER") with a fizziness quotient of 70%, brewed using yeast of type 0 (saccharomyces cerevisiae) to PI address 198.137.240.100, which is the IP address of the White House. .SH RESTRICTIONS Both source and destination sites must be running uubp-daemon. In addition, local restriction exist in many areas for the transportation alkohol across state lines. The Electronic Frontier Foundation is currently involved in litigation to ensure the ability to distribute beer through the uubp protocol according to the 21st Amendment. To support the SIG of EFF devoted to this cause, join the Homebrewers of the Electronic Frontier Engaged in Winning Electronic Independence and Zeroing Establishment Nonsense (HEFEWEIZEN), or send mail to hefeweizen@eff.eff.org. Be sure to include the entire text of this manual page. .SH NOTES Have a homebrew!